BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) 99% OF COP DRAMAS
I’m looking at YOU Criminal Minds. My issue isn’t so much the content or talent because I’ve seen some great Law and Order episodes and Sam Waterson is king. My issue is Criminal Minds and shows like it. They do the same episode over and over. Bad guy does bad and then they have to go out and find that bad guy. They do juuuust in time. They get on their jet, fly home, and someone quotes someone and it’s all so profound and heartfilled. It’s a formula. A lame one. You can watch shows like this and pretty much predict the killer within the first act. It’s high production on a low rent script. The sad part is that people eat these shows up. When the formula isn’t in action it’s SOOO amazing. Whatever. Same issues with Walker Texas Ranger.
(THREE) SOCKS WITH SANDALS
I don’t get it. When it’s warm out and you don’t want to class yourself up, I can understand the sandals. Granted toes are exposed, I get it. The air gets to them, you’re cooler, and it’s easier to slip on and off. It’s like house shoes for the world. I don’t have anything against socks either. They keep my feet warm. But together? What the hell. It’s like wearing rings over the fingers of a knitted winter glove. Either you’re feet are cold and you need to put on a full shoe or your feet are hot and you should just take the sock off. Is it the fact that you’re insecure about your ugly ass feet? Are you just being lazy? It’s not fashionable, practical, or unique. It’s unsightly and douchey.
(TWO) BETTE MIDLER
I don’t get it. I liked “Ruthless People” as much as the next guy, but I never got the appeal of Bette Midler. She’s kind of funny, but nothing that makes me want to watch her. I accept she has charisma, but it’s that same kind of Broadway charisma that a lot of over the top theater and musical actresses have. Why is she heralded in such high regard? “Beaches”? Ugh. What am I missing here?
(ONE) WIFEBEATERS
I don’t get it. I’m not talking about people who beat their wives. I get that. It’s clearly because the abuser is ignorant and a douche bag. That’s for sure. What I’m talking about is the white tank top-like clothing item. Remember tank tops? Well apparently trashy people got to them and decided to use cheap material. If the KKK had a basketball team, their jerseys would just be wifebeaters. I’m pretty sure Hitler wore them and I’m almost willing to bet the dudes who crucified Jesus wore them under their togas. Don’t be a dick, wear a shirt!
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