BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) HOW MUCH WOOD DOES A WOODCHUCK CHUCK?
I always wondered this. I know a woodchuck does in fact chuck on some wood. This is a true statement. I just never got the point of asking this question? It’s a tongue twister… so the hell what? Why are we wasting time with this kind of question? It’s stupid. Do we really need an assessment of chucked wood? Can we just get a clear answer on this tell the kids and move on? Why not ask something more beneficial to the human race like ‘How can cancer get canned?’
(THREE) WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?
This is one of those old school gripes that a grandmother would spout off in a fit of old-time snobbity(My new word of the day). I don’t know who “they” are. I don’t know what “they” have to “learn”. I don’t know why “they” haven’t “learned” already.
(TWO) IS TECHNOLOGY THE ANSWER TO PAPER CUTS?
In the future paper cuts will almost fully be extinct. As we continue to save the trees and make computer nerds richer, magazines, folders, books, and any paper product you love will be phased out. I hate paper cuts as much as anyone, but I wish they’d stick around. It keeps us just a little bit human. You know who doesn’t get paper cuts? Robots.
(ONE) WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SAN DIEGO?
If you grew up in the 90’s you’d know that if you have the loot, the warrant, and the crook then you’d be able to track down that criminal bitch Carmen San Diego. I remember the lamely awesome floppy disc game. I remember the lamely awesome game show. I remember the lamely awesome cartoon. I just want the lamely awesome to end. If we can track down Sadam and Bin Ladin then why the fuck can’t we find Carmen San Diego.
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