BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER|
(FOUR) JANI LANE
This was a close one. It was either Jani Lane or a few 90’s rappers I completely forgot about. Instead I’m going with the former lead singer of the 80’s hair metal band “Warrant”. This “Cherry Pie” singer and seemingly down to Earth dude keeps the rockstardom going strong from back in the day. As of July 19th, Jani Lane is in jail for a DUI. It’s his second offense and he’s remorseful and positive about it. He’s taking it like a man and has gone on record saying he’s “more than willing to face the consequences for his bad decisions”. There’s about a million sarcastic and snarky things I could say about this, but I’m going to take the high road and just hope this washed up footnote of a horrible era in music isn’t on the same high road when I’m traveling on it. I kid, I kid.
(THREE) LIL WAYNE
After months of slipping through the cracks of the legal system, Lil Wayne finally entered jail in March. He has a history of legal issues, mainly weed but one pretty serious gun change that found him in serious trouble. He’s now in jail, but before he went in he recorded music, shot his parts for about ten music videos, and stock piled content. So basically, he’s in jail for a few more months but keeps managing to stay relevant with fresh material. Smart thinking. He’s been caught with contraband, an MP3 player, charger, and headphones but it doesn’t seem to affect his case too much. Word is that he’ll be out in November, four months earlier than his full year sentence.
(TWO) LINDSDAY LOHAN
Had to get this one in quick. Due to her past screw ups, she was put on probation. This did not stop her from partying and making fresh screw ups. Even with an ankle bracelet, it’s safe to say Lindsay had a way better time in those few weeks than most people will in their life time. So they decide to put her in jail for a 90 day sentence. She freaks out, goes to jail, and before we know we start hearing she’d be getting out early. How early? She’s spending a total of 13 days in jail because of a “non-violent” offender’s policy and overcrowding. I know of one “non-violent” offender in Lake County Indiana that would sure love this kind of treatment.
(ONE) OJ SIMPSON
So famous that we mainly forgot about him. And it’s not a situation as to where OJ isn’t famous, but it’s just we’ve all purposely tried to block him from our minds. He is proof that there is only so much coverage a general public can take. I kid you not his Wikipedia page says “a retired American football player, football broadcaster, spokesman, actor, and convicted felon”. You just know someone was waiting there with the “save” button at their finger tip waiting for the verdict so they could document it on Wikipedia. Many people think he killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, but he was deemed innocent by the California legal system. The signs point to the obvious, but a “not guilty” verdict is what it is. This had to be the biggest court case media funfest EVER. The trial was televised, every reporter had scoops, Judge Ito, Kato, AC, and so many people were made infamous by this case. And it all started with the whole “White Bronco” car chase that took all the news stations over. It was HUGE. It wasn’t just a random situation. This was OJ Simpson. One of the most successful football players of all time. The dude from the “Naked Gun” movies. The broadcaster. A face of Americana at its best. It was a train wreck no one could look away from nor shut up about. He got the “not guilty” verdict for this one, but justice would catch up with him. He’s now in jail for some crazy kidnapping charge and armed robbery over some autographed memorabilia. OJ Simpson, inmate #1027820, was sentenced to total of 33 years in prison with parole in potentially 9 or so years. How freakin’ hilarious would of it been if they just rounded it up to “33 1/3”?