BY KEITH EVANS
Christmas season is officially underway. Great. As "beautiful" a season as this is suppose to be, it always brings out the ugliness in people. As good as the intention may be, the obession with Christmas causes alot of issues, which sometimes ultimately surface on "the day of the show" while other times, doesn't even take affect till the following months of the new year. Tis the season right? Just from experience of dealing with the Christmas mob and the obvious stir of the winter season, I wish to atleast equip you with a short list of things to watch for, that you may atleast start to open your brain to the normalcy of obstacles that seem to universally arise, no matter your creed, color, religion, or mental handicap.
Season of Terrible Traffic
Do you work in a commercially saturated area of your home town/city? If so, consider your once normal commute to work fucked. It's like there's a hundred funeral processions purposely littered along the streets and e-ways. Surprising enough, one of the few advantages to the internet, online shopping, is passed over for grand trips to the mall and other nearby shopping centers. If you are an owner of these businesses, congratulations, this is the season for abundance and profitability. If you are just some poor average schmoe who has successfully made it to work on time for the past 10 or 11 months based on a system of waking up a half an hour prior to your scheduled time of arrival (and that includes nabbing some uppity cup of Starbucks coffee or morning munchable before hand), might as well force that habit out of your head now. It's kill or be killed in these holiday streets my friend. Sleep is the cousin of death, and everybody a part of that family is out shopping, driving like retards. Oh wait, it hasn't even snowed yet? You're in for a treat. Somehow, especially in areas who recieve snow every year, people are shocked and amazed by the sheer notion of snow. I am a huge fan of snow, and one of the main reasons is that it differentiates those who CAN drive and those who CAN'T. Unfortunately, it takes the entire Christmas season for the "can'ts" to realize it themselves. If you live in a metropolis, please do not underestimate the joys of public transpo. If you live in one of those massly spreadout cities or towns, where public transportation is a badge of embarrassment, my condolences to you. Don't waste your time looking for turn signals from lane changing hybrids, they won't exist. Not interested in playing vehicular musical chairs at parking lots? Sorry, you have no choice but to participate, it will be the way of the land for the next few weeks.
Season of Car Troubles
I don't know about you, but it just seems to be, when everything is at its most hectic, when chaos is at an all time high, that's when your car decides it doesn't feel well. Your heat always stops working during the winter. Or better yet, you never realize how inconvenient it was that your ex girlfriend bashed out your driver side window, nor how unhelpful your nigger rigged clear pastic/ducktape temporary fix is until the temp drops to about 20 degrees. Starters have a tricky way of failing during this period, as do transmissions. Ball joints have a funny way of tapping out to the frigid weather, as do alignments and the such. We drive our cars into the ground during summer and fall, especially the college educationally inclined. And for some reason, the majority of us seem to let the winter creep up without even the thought of getting a well past due tune up for the arrival of Jack Frost. That same chic who bashed out your driver side window, karma actually deals with her the hardest. The proof that you needed to label her the culprit was her pink dollar store snow brush, that she won't notice she left at the scene of the crime until she's walking to her car after her Hooter's closing shift and she discovers her car is buried under 5 feet of polar sand. Thank God her new, better looking and more successful douchebag of a boyfriend bought her that automatic keyless start for her '99 Malibu.
Season of Ex Sex
This seems like a very commodious advantage to the winter wonderland of wooes. Be you a young adult coming home from a semester of college where getting turned down left and right was YOUR intra-mural sport, or some whorish single mother who constantly exhuasts your babysitting resources all summer to regain your "party life" jr. took from you. Ex sex is a pretty consistent benefit to the holiday season. It's more natural than the passing of gas sometimes. Men and women are always on the prowl, and the summer hosts so many oppurtunities for us to enjoy a smorgashbord of infidelity and promiscuous genital hopping, the holidays is when most just want that special someone to cuddle with, be it temporary or permanent. Generally, that ex from a few seasons before, almost like clockwork, shows up and a mixture of seasonal magic, the need for comfortable warmth, and the willingness to settle for familiar bullshit starts to warm your heart and heat up your loins. All it takes is some sort of alcohol induced gathering of your hometown castmates, or sometimes even just a quick and inadverdent shopping mall meeting, and best believe, this person that you detested and talked so much shit about so many months before will be on top, under, or wrapped around you atleast once this winter. Sometimes, these are blessings in disguise, but for the most part, especially within the younger circles, this is just one of your many joyous mistakes, that in retrospect a few years from now, was just your version of emotional cocaine. Sure it's an awful waste of moeny and time, but sometimes that one moment of drain was somehow worth the trouble that proceeded and followed. My suggestion? If you are fully aware of these circumstances, in full knowledge that the New Year is sure to be the end of these copious excursions (till next Xmas obviously), be sure to orchestrate a grand finale during the night where grand finales are key, New Year’s Eve. Might as well end your year off with the greatest sex you’ve had. . . that weekend, right?
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