BY KEITH EVANS
It's that time of the year again. No, I am not referring to Jesus' fake birthday, I'm talking countdowns. This is the season for everyone to give their opinion of what they think the top things, people, songs, or moments are in some sort of chronological order. Generally these lists consist of the "run of the mill" same ole same olds. While I do plan on weighing in on these S.O.S.O.'s I also feel it necessary to juncturally opinionate things that interest me, or in this installments case, things that "no longer interest me due to my legal obligations and new moral standards". I hope that sounded as believable as I intended it to sound. Let's proceed.
Evans From the Heavens Top 7 Favorite Drugs of All Time
#7. Liquid Vicodin - I specify vicodin in it's liquid form for reasons only known to my stomach lining, simply put, regular vicodin kind of makes my stomach hurt. I'm not sure if it's the whole theory that explains why Aspirin makes my tummy quiver, but plain Vicodin is just not my cup of tea. I will admit, coupled with liqour, Vicodin's a fun little memory cleaner. I suggest not studying for an exam on Vicodin and PBR's because you probably won't retain one iota of information. However, if for some reason you are addicted to taking Vicodin and researching quantum physics, I suggest liquid vicodin. I've only taken it once. It was a trade off for something someone owed me, and during that period, there wasn't much I wouldn't atleast try. I literally talked about my emotions for hours. Not in an ecstacy sort of way, but more like I had just had sex and now felt the need to discuss every detail with Dr. Drew sort of way. Me and a girl who's to remain nameless literally sat Indian style for several hours and told each other every positive emotion we felt about each other. We didn't even have sex, for it is my present opinion that liquid vicodin is a drug fit for the heart. Sappy right? I know, but that's how I felt. It doesn't taste as miserable as you would think, but if you're a female and are into waking up in strange apartments with no recollection of the night before and washing multiple semen samples from your clothes, I strongly suggest chasing it with shots of Bacardi 151. Honestly though, liquid vicodin should be a solo mission with a loved one, some Yankee candles and perhaps a DVD copy of The Notebook for meaningful background noise to set the mood.
#6. Cocaine - This drug is sponsored by douchebags EVERYwhere. It is as much apart of the yammerhead culture as hair gel, UFC pay-per-views, and tight sparkly t-shirts with violent terminology. I often compare coke to strip clubs. Both are generally something you urge when being plastered drunk isn't satisfying you enough. Both require a steady and consistent withdrawal of funds you probably don't have. Much like a lap dance, the high of Pedro Powder only lasts the length of a radio edit 80's rock song until you want more, and once you wake up the next morning, both have you questioning where all your money disappeared to. Out of all the drugs, this is probably one of the silliest, which is ironic because you are more commonly the complete opposite of silly when under it's influence. With all that being said, anyone reading this with the experience of doing cocaine knows that with all these cons, there are times when you are out drinking with friends, and you occasionally get that "itch" to inhale douche dust into your nostrils. Luckily, anytime I've dealt with this demon, unlike many former friends, I have never succumb to needing it, not being able to stop doing it, or felatting someone for it. With all that being said, sometimes, there's nothing like that 2 minute moment right after you snort a line and right before you light a cigarette when you feel like you can punch a hole in a brick wall and poke Tony Montana on Facebook all at the same time. Cocaine is a lapdance for your nose. Moderation is key. Excess is fatal.
#5. Love - "Oh oh, catch that buzz, Love is the drug I'm thinking of". If it wasn't for Roxy Music I would've never even known, but in retropect, love is definitely a drug. You may want to argue that love is not a drug, but an emotion. I strongly disagree. Love, much like the rest of these drugs on this list, can cause you to feel a myriad of different emotions. Love, much like the rest of these drugs on this list, can cause you to do things you would not normally do if not under that state. Love, much like the rest of these drugs on this list, can cause you to lie, steal, kill, and yes, even felatte someone for its purpose. Love, much like acid (which is not on this list), can cause you supreme existential euphoria or intense mind altering horror. Love, much like a few of the drugs on this list, can encite an overdose. Now, for the record, I'm talking romantic love. If these are symptoms of your love for your grandma, then perhaps you should just let drugs go altogether. Why is it one of my favorites? The roller coaster of course. When it comes to love, our neurons and our hormones, our brains and our blood pressure, our stomachs and hearts, are in a state of upheaval. Love is simply a drug that takes longer to apply itself, yet takes even longer to shake off. Love is induced by powerful natural bodily chemicals focusing on a molecule called PEA: phenylethylamine, a kind of natural amphetamine that revs up the brain and the central nervous system. Sound familiar? PEA causes the experience of euphoria, hyperventilation, increased heart rate, and dilated pupils. The "lover"/addict needs the constant fix of encounters with the "object of love"/drug to satisfy and dampen the stimulation of those chemicals. This explains the highs and lows of the lovesick, the out-of-control symptoms of possessiveness, goose pimples, butterflies in the stomach, restlessness, inability to concentrate, sleeplessness: that generalized delicious agony called infatuation, which in love terms, is a form of addiction. It really doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand the concept of love being a drug, I mean, even Ke$ha knows this shit and she's barely a brain surgeon.
#4. Ketamine - Do you work 15 to 20 days in row without a day off? When you do get that day off, do you want to just lay around and do absolutely nothing? Do you like being under the influence? If your answer is yes to all 3 of these questions then you should probably quit your shity job and seek professional help for your inevitable mental instability. If that isn't an option you wish to explore, when you DO get that off day, try some Special K. Not the cereal, that would be stupid. I'm talking ketamine aka Special K bka horse tranquilizers. As far as affects go, this is about as close to what I imagine heroin is like. When living in New York, I would work 2 weeks consistently, 9am to midnight. When I would finally get a day in which I had no labor related responsibilities, I would sit in my 15 sqaure foot, $1100 a month apartment, do a couple bumps of K and just sit in front of the tv for hourse watching Tom and Jerry. The phone would ring, I would not move. The doorbell would ring, I would not budge. One time, I partook in some ketamine and rode the subway all day long, watching people get on and get off, as I sat in the exact same seat, emtionless face in tow. They say if you combine K and Ecstacy, you go into something called a K-hole, which is essentially your spirit floating and loitering over your own body, watching yourself experiencing the affects of ecstacy while your body just sits there in an almost hypnotized state. Uhm, I'll take two please.
#3. Mushrooms - Food that gets you high and originates from the poop of a bovine is AWESOME! That being, I don't really experience shrooms like normal people do. I have never hallucinated on shrooms. Pretty shocking, I know. I've seen designs in a slightly altered fashion, sure. One time I saw a girl I thought I was in love with, fly angelically across the living room dressed like a dalmatian. Come to find out, her then boyfriend stripped her naked, beat the shit out of her from head to toe and then literally threw her past the immediate area I was sitting, so we'll just file that under hallucination failures. Most people say I am missing out, but I disagree. When on shrooms, I am a king among nobodies. EVERYTHING is funny to me, and I mean everything. On shrooms, I would probably find a Sinbad stand up special hilarious. I am unstoppable, I am disrespectful (inadvertantly of course, which is sometimes the best method), I am as Keith Evans as you could ever witness. Your best bet is to find something long in duration and visually appealing to sit me in front of and let that babysit me for the rest of the evening. If not? Well, prepare to have your new tires peed on, while I laugh. Maybe a phone call from me, explaining to you how everytime we had sex I faked an orgasm, after I had one prior to you coming over by a different girl, while I laugh. I just might re enact scenes from Menace To Society, in a cockney accent, while I laugh. If you are not a fan of ANY of these things, then I suggest you not spend time around me while I am under the influence of mushrooms and having the time of my life, of the Patrick Swayze nature, not the Black Eyed Peas one.
#2. Marijuana - Old faithful. My reason for not ever having to attend an anger management class. My girlfriend when my real one is a bitch. My best friend when everyone and everything is against me. The only drug you can't overdose on. My trustee. My creative fuel. My humor enhancer. My fair lady. When it comes down to it, I would completely give up drinking, smoking cigarettes, masturbating, and perhaps even being an argumentative asshole if that meant NEVER having to part with weed longer than 6 months at a time. Reefer, though not the birthplace of my talents and skills, definitely the parent, or at the very least their hot nanny who Jude Law may or may not be molesting. Regardless, marijuana may just me my spinach, if I were a miserable, pipe smoking, anorexic magnet chump of a sailor with deformed forearms and boneless fat jaws. I may moderate my usage, and perhaps even take extended breaks, but never, will I ever turn my back on marijuana. Without it, who knows how many women I would have disatisfied sexually or domestically abused accidentally. Weed is my Dr. Phil AND my Dr. Ruth all at once. By all technicalities, this SHOULD be my number one favorite, however. . . . . . . . . . .
#1. Ecstacy - Yes, I do have a long, lifetime bond and sense of obligation to marijuana. I will gladly march the roads of Washington D.C. with Tommy Chong, Woody Harrelson, and Michael Phelps, protesting and singing recycling music by Bob Dylan. I would NEVER do that for ecstacy, simply because ecstacy is pretty fucking dangerous and should not be legalized, or even talked about legalizing for that nature. You know what else is dangerous? Really good pussy which, in retropect, should also be de-legalized, but in essence, we don't even recognize love as a drug, so whatever. As dangerous and volatile as ecstacy is, just like really good rough sex, it is infinitely enjoyable. I like sex, most times, I enjoy making love and being made love to, but sometimes, i just want to be fucked, or fuck the shit out of somebody. While marijuana for me is good love making sex, taking ecstacy is getting fucked, and then cumming, continuously for 5 to 8 hours straight. Weed is more loyal, way more accessible, less fatal, and inexpensive. It is inherently the girl you've known all your life. The one you can talk to on the phone for hours about nothing. The one who you took to prom and constantly climbed through her window every night the summer before you left for college. Weed is that girl you can take to the bar around your friends to watch the game and doesn't mind if you buy her a miller lite becuase you're kind of short on money. Mary Jane is low maintenance and will do anything for you. She wears a wife beater and jogging pants to bed, and its as much of a turn on as anything. She's casual, she's laid back, and when she wakes up in the morning, she's even prettier than when she spends hours in the bathroom. Weed is Pam Beasley. Ecstacy on the other hand, is a completely different broad. Ecstacy is the girl you see on tv. She's your "vagina hero". The one you were always scared to approach. She's a bitch, but in that sexy Naomi Cambell sort of way. She's ALWAYS in stillettoes. She NEVER wears panties, unless that's the only thing she's wearing. You better have atleast JUST gotten paid if you're going to take her out for drinks. Ecstacy wears something really lacey and or leathery to bed, and accompanied with oils and whips. Ecstacy is if Kim Kardashian and Megan Fox had a baby and let Courtney Love raise it. In essence, every person eventually finds the one they're looking for. Every positive quality you'd want in a mate, you find in this person. Everything is flowers and potpourri. You propose. You're engaged. You're married. In some instances, most people become miserable with the monotony. You're sick of the norm and you want something exciting, stimulating, dirty, and satisfying. Yes, you love your wife, but you may not always lust after her. The one you do lust after, that's ecstacy. It ain't something you can do all the time, that's for sure. I actually don't even suggest doing it anymore than once a month at the most. Trust me, your seratonin is important, but there's nothing wrong with sacrificing your spinal column every so often, is it? I don't know, I forgot.
|
