BY KEITH EVANS
I deal with people who have no idea what they're talking about on a
daily basis. I'm actually pretty experienced at it. If you asked me
whens the last time I was caught in this particular predicament, I
would always respond "Like 10 minutes ago". If you asked me how long
have I dealt with people who have no idea what they're talking about,
I would simply respond "How old am I?". It's not so much the fact
that these people don't have a clue, but rather that they feel the
need to profess, explain, expound, and elaborate on what they don't
have a clue about. If I had a dime for every time a person who's
never even smoked, seen, or researched information on marijuana tried
to argue why it's bad, I'd have enough money to buy and enjoy weed
everyday for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, listening to someone chaotically stammer through points and
unfounded opinions that they've formed in their uninformed brains is a
treat. It's like watching that scene from I Love Lucy when she's
working the conveyor belt of chocolates. If you aren't familiar with
the scene, Lucille Ricardo exudes confidence in her ability to keep up
with the consistency of the conveyor belt, ultimately failing because
she refuses to admit from the beginning that she has no experience
such things. This is generally the moral of EVERY I Love Lucy
episode. She eventually gets her come uppin's when she begins to fall
behind, forcing the chocolates to pile up and having to shove an
overdose amount of cocoa candies in her mouth.
For a more nationally political version of this story, let's turn our
attention to the Nation's Lucy Ricardo, Sarah Palin. We all know her
story. Former beauty queen turned Governor of the country's most
Canadian state, Alaska, turned amazingly unqualified and buffoonery
laden Vice Presidential candidate. There's a few things that are
certain about this extreme right-winged Lady Maverick. She's not that
bright, which apparently is the new "must-have" trait in a
presidential candidate. She's ignorantly confident in the very
knowledge and skills she does not possess. She enjoys the sport of
hunting moose to their death, which, in direct violation of her
over-exaggerated patriotism, is very Canadian. Perhaps when she runs
in 2012, we should all hound her about her own citizenship and birth
certificate.
My point of all this is that, unless it concerns hunting, ice fishing,
pageant waving, or what countries she can see from her Alaskan
backyard, Sarah Palin doesn't, and has never had any idea of what she
was talking about, debating, protesting against, or, from what I can
imagine, thinking. Here's an example. Sarah Palin, along with
Republican strategist Karl Rove are the drum majors of a ridiculous
media parade. Their target is, as always, the Obama administration,
and their decision to invite Chicago's king of conscious rap, Common
to a poetry event at the White House.
Now, if you are even a amateur hip hop aficionado, you know who Common
is. The most controversial thing Common ever did was stand up to
former gangster rapper, Ice Cube, back when Ice Cube was someone to
stand up to. Ironically enough, regardless of Common's consistent
positive lyrics, peacefully subdued delivery, and the fact that at one
point in hip hop, he was labeled one of the most socially and
politically responsible, therefore, "softest" emcees in the genre,
he's being treated like a 1991 Ice Cube. I believe Rove told FOX News
that he thought Common was a "thug". Right, 'cause we all know how
Common is a modern day Tupac (insert sarcasm where needed). Other
supporters of this notion have labeled him as "vile". Just so we're
clear, the word "vile" is defined as "loathsome, disgusting, morally
depraved and miserably poor". Synonyms include unpleasant, ignoble,
and wretched. While most hip hop Conservatives might choose to apply
these words to rappers like Soulja Boy, Waka Flocka, or in my opinion,
Insane Clown Posse, political conservatives are now applying these
terms to Common. I don't even think these terms have ever been used
to describe Kanye West, and HE nervously told the entire world that
the GOP's war whore, George W. Bush, was a racist.
Now, I'm sure there is someone reading this who is thinking to
themselves "Well, what could they possibly be basing this on?". Well,
first envision this. Sarah Palin's sitting in her igloo shaped
mansion, admiring her taxidermied moose and polar bear heads. After
hours of trying to figure out how to stick a straw into a Capri Sun,
one of her many snitch minions slithers in with news that the Michele
Obama (or as she might call her, the Wicked Witch of the Blacks) has
invited a rapper named Common to the White House. She has no idea who
Common is, but the word "rapper" has always rubbed her the wrong way.
She orders her assistant's assistant's assistant to find every
misogynistic, booty shaking, profanity riddled song they can find by
the "rapper". They find nothing. She's confused. In her mind, you
should be able to find negative slave rantings on a "rapper" like you
can find stars on a flag. Sure there aren't stars on ALL flags, but
in her world, a flag without stars is just a decorative comforter for
terrorists. Finally, her henchmen dig up something they think Mrs.
Palin may find VERY interesting. A video clip of Common reciting
poetry on a show called Def Poetry. After hours of trying to figure
out why the hearing impaired would even want to hear poetry, she
watches intently for the first 3 words, then immediately starts to
fall asleep, when suddenly, she is woken by Common's voice saying
things like "my Uzi weighs a ton" (which excites her, because frankly,
you could kill a whole mess of moose with a 2,000 lbs firearm) and "I
got the black strap to make the cops run" (something she finds
alarming because God forbid if Rodney King had a belt that day. That
son of a bitch might've not received the beating he deserved). One
minion in particular points out the "Burn a Bush" line. Palin quickly
responds "Look, Moses has nothing to do with this! What are you?
Jewish?". After the minion explains the line to her, like one cop
said to his partner before they pulled over Rodney King, "It's On!".
She takes to Twitter immediately, or rather, her assistant's
assistant's assistant takes to Twitter. After reading all her direct
messages from @CharlieSheen and @vh1blondeballer, she immediately
dictates a bevvy of tweets that are sure to make @kanyewest seem like
Socrates.
It may not have happened exactly like that, but their only true
ammunition was Common's appearance on Def Poetry. I watched the video
myself, and there was nothing shocking about it. Hell, he didn't say
anything about Bush or the government that anybody else wasn't saying
at the time. What I've come to find out is, really serious right
winged conservatives are extremely weak when it comes to comprehending
metaphors and sarcasm, which is why they aren't big fans of rappers OR
comedians. If the GOP had their way, and successfully rid the country
of rap and comedy (which sometimes is one in the same), I'm convinced
everything would be like those movies that explore the idea of a lull
and apathetical town, where everything is literally in black and white
(pun intended) right before some zany crazy normal person shows up and
"colorizes" the town with things like dancing, smiling, and jazz
records. Funny thing about it, a rapper like Common would STILL be
acceptable in this society.
It's fucking COMMON!
He's harmless!
I'm more vile than Common.
Maybe it's the seriousness in which they take rap lyrics from the past
that fuels their fear. We've ALL joked in the past about what dangers
a black president could bring. Having backyard BBQs at the White
House? Uhm, check. Pickup street ball games? Uhm. . . .check.
Random rappers just stopping by at their leisure? GOD DAMMIT! CHECK!
Okay, okay, GOP, I get it, but I think maybe you're over reacting.
Every little stereotypical thing that has been uttered about a black
dude being President isn't going to come into fruition. We're not
REALLY going to "paint the White House black", geez. It's just a
metaphor. Or maybe a prophecy of another oil spill, I really don't
know, but again, getting worked up, and telling the naysayers to just
relax and shut the fuck up is useless. Why? Because you will deal
with people who have no idea what they're talking about every minute
of the day. Unfortunately, they are the vast majority. It's just the
way things are. Finding a way to transpose the vast majority would be
as complicated as injected the White House with basic common sense. .
. . PUN! IN! TENDED!
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