BY KAY-ELLE DASH
 
Ten things NOT to do on this Independence Day weekend:
1. Wear those American flag pants like the guy in “Napoleon Dynamite.” They aren’t patriotic, the douche-iotic.
2. Get into a fight with a veteran. I don’t care if they drove a bus or guarded garbage the entire time in service. Some hippie could have seen them in their uniform & killed them. They provided you a life threatening service.
3. ALSO, don’t tell a marine the “the marines” aren’t actually a branch of the armed forces… they give their lives every day you ungrateful FRICKS!
4. Hold a roman candle while it shoots. It’s just dumb. You don’t look cool you look like a @$$.
5. Shoot off a gun to make some noise… this isn’t the New Year so buy some fireworks you cheap idiot.
6. Buy one of those rolls of firecrackers that go off for 15 minutes or more… none of your neighbors, neighbors dogs, people at your party, people not at your party you loner loser, people in general, anyone, etc – want to hear that… they are just a novelties firework stands have displayed to ball men into spending senseless money because in man’s mind big noise = big man downstairs… HELLO in women’s mind big noise = even BIGGER over compensation for this “pear”-less Neanderthal.
7. Blast Bruce Springstein's “Born in the USA” the title may sound patriotic… but its about killing “the yellow man” that’s NOTHING what independence day is about & just makes us look like gun crazy rednecks!
8. And while were at it don’t blast Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” the title/chorus doesn’t even make sense with what she’s talking about in the song & again it has nothing to do with the meaning of the fourth of July
9. Drive around with an American flag waving out of your windows… this isn’t Cinco de Mayo you belligerent “gringo”
10. Proclaim “the Chinese make a good firework” the Chinese make a good everything… they basically make everything we use & you want to blast number seven??? How hypocritical & dumb does that make us look??? (Yes I know ol’ Bruce was talking about Koreans… but the awful term he uses to state so covers a lot of ethnicities)
Ten things you SHOULD or can do to NOT look like a douchebag on this Independence Day weekend:
1. Wear blue jeans with a festive shirt available anywhere (but don’t be tacky & wear one that says “2008” or something on it… spend seven dollars for a new one!)
2. Enjoy your town’s parade! It shows camaraderie & pride in your country (but DON’T smoke in the crowd… give your self lung cancer but be respectful of those around you)
3. Sing the lyrics to our national anthem… (If you can remember every word to Sir MixALots “Baby got Back” you should know all the words to your countries national anthem… emigrants HAVE to know it for citizenship… how dumb does that make you?)
4. Have a bomb pop! They are red-white-&-Blue-licious & the name/treat (although kinda idiotic because were like “yay bombs”) was invented FOR FOURTH OF JULY!
5. Have a drink or two. What’s better then joy in your country, friends & family, neighborly independence rejoicing & celebrating the lives that fought for us then relaxing by a pool with a beer (but don’t get smashed and especially don’t drive. I mean I know its hard liberals… but be responsible) (<<
6. Eat some hamburgers, hotdogs, brats, etc (although none of this originated here)… its all we have as far as American food goes… even I will be eating a (Boca) burger! Add lotsa pickles!
7. Go swimming! If the Olympics & Michael Phelps (the pot head that he is…) taught us anything it’s that Americans are the BEST at swimming…
8. …Make up things that “Americans are best at…” & such (See above) it IS our independence day… we're allowed! (<<
9. Take a moment to realize what this day is all about
10. SALUTE A VETERAN. Yes some are kinda skuzzy & creepy by now & sometimes disabled… but that because we don’t give them nearly enough benefits to make a life & they gave their best years protecting us. BE GRATEFUL! If they hadn’t we wouldn’t be able to be writing things like this right now… (And don’t even start with the “its not really free speech” thing… were a lot less censored then any other country!)
Happy Independence Day biotches!
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