BY KEITH EVANS
Let me start off by saying that I am not a HUGE fan of LeBron James. Do I Like the "King" better than Kobe? Fuck yes!!! Truth be told, I'm a bigger Dwyane Wade fan than Kobe OR James. Was I enthralled by the hoopla of the "decision"? Sure, why not? But after waking up the morning after the most exaggerated and publicized NBA "decision" I've ever witnessed, it's the words of Cleveland Cavalier owner Dan Gilbert (for here on out known as Fuck Boy) that has got me in a tizzy. Fuck Boy's public response to LeBron's "decision" to go to the Miami Heat was one of the most ridiculous things I've heard since Joe Jackson's completely clueless denial of the mere possibility that his son MJ could've been gay. What's so damned "disloyal" about James going to another team after 7 wasted seasons in Cleveland? If that's the case, damn near every player who’s played for 2 or more teams should be labeled as such, right? I don't remember anyone shitting on KG for wanting out of Minnesota. I want to even say he was encouraged by the masses. Hell, how "disloyal" were Deon Sanders or Bo Jackson? They played for not only multiple teams, but multiple sporting leagues. Sometimes, opting to cut seasons short of one to tend to the other.
I'm a big advocate of sticking with one team your entire career, but that notion hasn't existed since the 90's, if that. The great NBA god, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, even played for the Wizards. Oh, you're so right Fuck Boy. LeBron committed such a "cowardly" act by choosing to play in Miami, FL instead of Cleveland, OH. Cleveland Ohio, birthplace of such significant artistry and prestige like the classic “East 1999 Eternal” album by Bone Thugs-N -Harmony, and, uhm..., wait, give me second. Oh yeah, that's right, NOTHING FUCKING ELSE! The entire state of Ohio is a lint trap, and that's coming from a resident of neighboring region of scum, Indiana. Simply put, Ohio sucks major AIDS. So you're right Fuck Boy, what an awful thing for James to "desert" a craptastic city Cleveland, just to play basketball in a city full of vagina and sunshine. Shame on you King James, for finally deciding to live like one. Even uttering the very word "Ohio" makes me feel like I'm farting out of my mouth. I assure you I'm no huge fan of Miami either (not so fond of the overly fake and cosmetic), but I would surely choose to die after one lurid, sex filled, ecstasy fueled night in South Beach than live 1,000 years in the land where people worship something called a Buckeye.
I've never understood the act of burning the merchandise of a personality or company you don't like. My view is unless you stole said merchandise, or received said merchandise as a gift from said personality or company, the only one suffering is the person(s) who bought said merchandise. I don't practice the act of burning money, and as long as this is still a country of severe capitalism (a country STILL in a recession no doubt), jerseys cost an ample amount of it. Ironically, seeing as his "majesty" left the Cavs for the "Heat", setting flames to his old jersey is only providing free dramatic marketability from now till November. Last time I checked, that's working for free. Just more proof that people from Cleveland are a shining example of the oxymoronic term "Midwest intellect". "Hey Keith, are you bashing Midwesterners?” Yes. "Keith, aren't you FROM the Midwest?”Yes. No one understands bullshit more than a bull. Speaking of bullshit in all his ranting and whining, Fuck Boy said something that just about made me Google his past medical history. Something so shocking, it could only be topped by R. Kelly personally telling me he prefers women in their 40's. In a moment that can only be described as delusional and ignorant, Fuck Boy "personally guarantees" that the Cavaliers would win an NBA championship before LeBron EVER would. Let that soak in. Please, read twice if you need to.
Uhm, I'm sorry, did Criss Angel sign a deal to play for the Cavs? Did LeBron's step daddy, Delonte West, just invent flubber? Aside from these obviously plausible scenarios, I don't see how this pre-ejaculated optimism from Dan Gilbert is even warranted. Maybe he felt compelled to say anything to try and reverse the tears of these so called die hard Cav Nots. Funny thing is there were actual tears shed after the "King's" decision. I mean, people actually cried, mostly women because apparently most of Cleveland's fan base are proud owners of vaginas (men and women alike). I'm not saying the Heat are now shoo-ins for the title this year, but I will say the Cavs are a shoo-in to NOT win the title this decade.
Let's put it this way, the day Cleveland wins the NBA crown will be the day I finger Sarah Palin, and as far as I know, the Cavaliers didn't win no title this past Valentine's Day. Now, if I were the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, besides not giving a fuck if they won or loss and raking in all that cheddar mozzarella (that's ebonics for money), surprisingly I would have kept my mouth (or in this case, fingertips) closed.
Instead, if I really wanted revenge on LeBron, I'd find out his summer schedule, book rooms next to the hotel suites King James was staying in, wait until his "majesty" went to sleep, and at that very moment, have the entire Cavalier roster run a train on his mother as loudly as possible. Fortunately for Momma James' vaginal muscles, I do not own the Cavs, and reality is LeBron will probably drop no less than 35 points every time he plays his former team this season. If the Cavaliers are lucky, they'll get sold to the fine state of Maryland within the next 3 years.
Where's Art Modell when you need him?
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