BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
I’m not as excited about WrestleMania as I should be. I know it’s a bit pretentious to say, but I always felt a certain “spiritual ownership” of the event. I rationalize this bullshit because I’m 30 years old. I’ve told everyone I know and have met, probably more than a few times, that “I’m the same age as WrestleMania. When WrestleMania was 10, I was ten. When it was 18, I was 18. When I was 23, it was 23.” My first Mania memory was being 3 and watching Hogan and Andre. I don’t remember much, but I remember seeing it. When I was 13, I got to attend WrestleMania 13. I was in the second to last row above the entrance way, but dammit, I was there. Ten years later, I found myself in Detroit for WrestleMania 23. These are moments in my life that I hold dearly and will always cherish. Come 33, I hope to get to go to continue my streak of every ten years.This all gives me the whole excuse to attach a lame connection to the biggest event of the year. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it’s always been something to me. Like tons of folks, Wrestling just means a lot to me.
There is not a whole lot to be excited about this year. I’m going to watch and be optimistic. By the time the show starts that electric vibe will take over me, I’ll get goose bumps, I’ll hold back a few manly tears and thirty years of love will come rushing at me. Outside of my parents, my longest bond and relationship has been with this silly ass form of entertainment. Crazy? Maybe. Honest? Completely.
I don’t care too much about the 4-Way tag team title match. The only person in the match I’m excited to see is Cesaro. It’d be cool to see the Real Americans win the match, but as much as I’m NOT a fan I hope The Usos win. They should keep it for a little while and lose it in a meaningful match up.
The Shield is winning over Kane and The Outlaws. This is a given. People are saying The Shield are going to break up, but it can’t be here and it can’t be against three guys who were old during the Attitude era.
The “Andre’ The Giant” Memorial Battle Royal is a cool way to get a lot of people a WrestleMania payday. I think the given is that Big Show will win. I think he deserves a big Mania moment, but I have a feeling it’ll go to Sheamus. I don’t like it, but I imagine it to be the case. I’d like to see someone like Dolph or an oddball like Fandango win it. I think a cool curve ball would Cody Rhodes winning it and then THAT being the reason he and his brother finally break-up.
I don’t care about the Diva’s battle royal. Just because her husband is going to win the big match, I’m going with Brie Bella.
I have zero interest in The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar match. You’d think it’ll be a good short match up, but the problem here is that both are part-timers. Brock shows up, gets overly stiff with people and does his whole bee stung monster thing and Taker shows up and does his shtick. I’m done with the Undertaker. I’m always going to be a fan and I’ve gotten to see him win two titles in my own Mania trips. Him showing up every year for one match is lame. It’d be different if he could still deliever interesting and fresh material, but it’s a nostalgia show that distracts people from the fact that we’re watching a really old man pretend to be a “dead man” beat up guys way younger and in way better shape.
Are we supposed to pretend he’s a “dead man” when it’s convenient for the WWE? When he found Shawn Michaels and Triple H for those four years he spoke like a man and was “human”, but when he fought CM Punk and when he’s fighting Brock we’re supposed to just accept the fact that he’s a “magical entity”? What is this shit? The whole “He’s not in the coffin… no wait! He IS in the coffin!” deal would have been lame in 1994. Seeing Brock and Heyman sell that is as insulting as watching younger wrestlers oversell Jerry Lawyer’s punches. I respect Taker and Jerry, but c’mon! Of course Undertaker wins.
The John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt match is cool. I wish they had more build up and a longer storyline to make it mean more, but the fact that Cena is putting over Wyatt at the show is great. Win or lose, the fact that he’s facing Cena only proves just how much stock the company is putting in him. I think the safe bet here is that Cena wins, but then gets beat down afterwards so the Wyatts get their heat and Cena gets to take a break. He’s sort of lost in the shuffle right now anyway.
The biggest thing this year is Daniel Bryan. I love watching this guy wrestle. I remember showing friends his indie stuff before he showed up on NXT. He is one of the best performers and one of the most engaging of all time. Already! It’s clear that he is going to have one of the best nights in WrestleMania history. First off, he’s wrestling Triple H. I’m not excited about this. Triple H is a great performer, but I can’t remember the last time he was scheduled in a match where I actually was excited about. He had stellar matches with Undertaker, but it just didn’t make me give a shit about any of his matches. When he comes out to the ring to speak or do something it takes me out of the show. I instantly have to prepare myself for a long winded promo. He has a range of delivery, but it always feels a little “off” and lacking a legit human nature. He might be the nicest guy ever and a great wrestler, but he always just felt impersonal. Good or bad. I think it’s safe to say that Daniel Bryan wins. Then there’s the twist of the World Title match later in the night. I have a feeling that Triple H may put himself in the match in a big heel move OR that the Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H match ends with some kind of shenanigans where there is no winner. At the end of the night, there’s really no way to end the show that doesn’t involve Daniel Bryan winning the belt. By hook or by crook, Daniel Bryan wins. Maybe Vince comes back and helps him, maybe Shane McMahon, Shawn Michaels, or maybe even CM Punk. Regardless, WrestleMania XXX MUST end with a football stadium full of crazy fans screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!”. If it ends this way, I have a hard time hating the show. I seriously got a little emotional putting this conclusion to text. The problem is that I’ve lost my trust in the company. You can’t rely on the WWE actually doing this. You almost have to anticipate the worst in order to not get your heart broken by realistic expectations.
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