BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
If you go outside, watch television, look at social media, or just absorb the world around you it’s become quite apparent that everyone has beards. Like hair sprayed hair for the glam rockers of the 80s, like the long greasy hair in the grunge era 90s, like longish hair with a part down the middle, like when every white kid with “edge” would dye their hair blonde like Eminem, like the guys who got frosted tips like boy bands, like faux-hawks, like when every woman got the Jennifer Anniston hair during the “Friends” era, and just like when it became okay for people to start coming one big chunk of hair back and shaving the sides like some cross between a pompadour and a protective jock cup… beards are running wild!
Big bushy beards.
Like everything, it was around before but it wasn’t such a “thing”. Charities encourage people not to shave for a month, hockey fans and bandwagoners have the “play off beard” tradition, and serial killers and rednecks wore the chi-face with pride. But NOW it’s everywhere.
In no particular order here are 38 reasons why Hipsters have beards.
HIPSTERS HAVE BEARDS BECAUSE/SO…
1.) Looking like 1974 porn bushes is SOOOO in.
2.) Because if you can’t grow a dick, you might as well grow a beard.
3.) Their skinny jeans are so tight it pushes their hair out like Play-do Spaghetti.
4.) Because only squares have dimples!
5.) Steve Jobs and Thom York had beards!
6.) Using a razor takes them back to their “emo” days in high school.
7.) To save that all natural PRB flavor.
8.) If you’re already wearing a plaid shirt, you might as well go full lumberjack.
9.) The desire to be young Santa.
10.) Shaving cream smells too much like corporate America.
11.) To prove they have SOME testosterone.
12.) It gets cold in the bike lane.
13.) Without them they’d look like nerdy 6th graders.
14.) They saw an authority figure with one once and want to be ironic.
15.) 9 out of 10 hipsters grow beards to be unique.
16.) Because their lips get cold.
17.) To hide their Adams apple from lesbians.
18.) The scarves just aren’t warm enough.
19.) To slow down people from drawing penis’s on their faces.
20.) They are scared of change.
21.) So hipster girls don’t feel bad about their legs.
22.) More cushin’ for the pushin’.
23.) They’re saving the hair up to weave a suicide noose.
24.) Nothing says underground like looking like a metrosexual terrorist.
25.) Can you say ‘bad chin day’?
26.) Lips are so passé.
27.) It makes their black and white pictures look even more vintage.
28.) Face dandruff is organic.
29.) So you can part it down the middle.
30.) It’s like Velcro for animal buttholes.
31.) To hide their Heath Ledger Joker scars.
32.) Pointy mustaches are the hipster bowl cut.
33.) All the time they spend grooming proves they’d be a kind and gentle rapist.
34.) If the carpets match the drapes, the table cloth might as well too.
35.) It’s not a beard; it’s a vintage 5’oclock shadow!
36.) Their sideburns are co-dependent.
37.) To know when the neck starts and the place to punch ends.
38.) To support independent face shampoo businesses.
I’m not trying to “s(h)ave face” here, but before anyone decides to sit outside my house and “Occupy Beard Street” please know that some of my best friends have beards.
Got Bitcoin? Help me buy razors!
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