BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
Most people like to get their “drink on” as the (dumb) kids would say. There is nothing wrong with a nice stiff drink after a day of work or a few beers on the weekend with your friends. It loosens one’s inhibitions and can make a dull evening, event and even life a bit more bearable.
Then there’s the taste. Some booze just tastes good. I never got the appeal of cheap beer other than getting wasted quickly. On the flipside of this I have an acquired taste for harder alcohol like whiskey, scotch and some gins. Some people like nasty domestic beers or PBR nonsense and others like “microbrews” and “craft beer”. When I hear some snooty asshole say “craft beer” my brain instantly pictures “Kraft” macaroni and cheese. Imagine that for a second… beer made by Kraft, with its bold blue box coloring and a side pouch of powdered cheese to pour into your “brewski”. Sounds glorious, right?
It’s also status. Folks drink certain drinks because their friends do, because someone in a commercial told them to or because a hack rapper mumbles about it during a throw-a-way single. If you’re with friends and don’t want to drink you’re “a light weight” or “lame”. If you don’t like some random shot that others force themselves through then you’re “weak” or “uncool”. It’s liquid high school.
What happens when the status trend turns to stuff that’s clearly lame. Every few years companies will crank out some bullshit product that gets tons of advertising hype and tricks people into drinking. We ALL know those people who jump on board without any hesitation.
Water
It starts with water. There is nothing wrong with water. We need it and we are it. Folks drink their booze, but that one guy drinks his waaaaater. Maybe he’s the designated driver, maybe he’s in “recovery”, or maybe he’s just thirsty for waaaater. No one can hate on the actual liquid itself, but the “I’m just having waaaaater” guy is worthy of a piss flavored ice cube or two.
Wine Coolers
These aren’t TOO bad, but they are pretty hokey once you break it down. If you like wine that’s one thing, but why a wine “cooler”. These drinks are not “cooler” than wine. Yes they are colder than typical glasses and bottles of wine, but that’s optional. You CAN chill your wine. I know this is reaching a bit, but you get the point. These drinks are just a wussified take on wine, put in feminine looking beer bottles. Why not just drink some Boones Farm or put a splash of vodka or something equally yawn-inducing into a watered down juice box? It would give you the same buzz and the same level of self-respect. Bartles & Jaymes? It sounds like the worst law firm of all time. It’s like Franklin and Bash without the charm, charisma or hour of entertaining fulfillment.
Near-Beer
I remember hearing sitcom jokes about this stuff back in the day. Apparently it’s beer-flavored drinks with no alcohol in them. Why would you want this? Beer is not a beverage worthy of faking. It’s not like almond milk or soy milk. You didn’t grow up putting beer in your breakfast cereal no matter how many TV shows and movies you’ve seen where the gruff character sloppily pours beer into their cereal. It’s not real. “Zima” is now a punchline that I’m sure people think was made up and not real. Like it’s a “Buzz Beer” type of Simpsons drink that people accepted into pop culture. I don’t know who the moron on was that decided to buy into the hipness of drinking “near beer”, but ironically the oxymoron here is that Zima was real.
Hard Lemonade
I remember not being old enough to drink, but seeing folks talk about “Mikes Hard Lemonade”. Once I got past the annoying kid joke of “hey, it’s named Mike! I’m Mike! That’s MINE!” I wanted to try it. I know I had some BEFORE I was old enough to legally drink and it was just sour tasting and pretty gross. Over the years I’d have a few of these and it always tasted the same. Even when I got older and developed more of an alcohol palate it continued to taste like lemon flavored flat pop. If you’ve EVER been drunk on Mikes Hard Lemonade you’ve probably been to at least one boy band concert in your life.
Hard Apple Ciders
This is the latest craze. Last year I tried one of the “redd ale” beers and it tasted nasty. I had one, was open minded and quickly started to hate myself. The hate I had for myself reached a level where I had to seek out real alcohol and drown my shame. I like apple cider and I like apple juice. Both are delicious. There is no reason for this nonsense other than pulling in dumb people’s money in exchange for apple piss. Multiple companies are putting out apple ale, apple beer, and apple booze. I think after the lemonade and now this apple cider nonsense we should all just swear off any alcohol with the world “hard” before it. Remember this when companies start marketing “Hard Chocolate Milk” or “Hard Prune Juice” to us. Remember it as you try to convince the world you’re still contemporary and “cool” as you sip on your prune flavored booze. This “hypothetical you” really sucks. Avoid him or her at all cost.
I’m sure I’m missing out on a few of the past trends and horrible wussy drink trends. This is because I drink regular, good ol’ fashion black out alcohol like a real adult.
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