BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
Rock stars have always had an “image”. They’re larger than life, they have a certain style, and they’re as visual a celebrity as anyone. Even when a musician attempts to not have an “image” they still do. Case in point was Nirvana’s anti-establishment/normal Seattle guy look became a fashion trend for everyone. The indie rockers all have the same “hipster” uniform despite claiming there is no preconceived intentions. I’m calling bullshit. It takes just as long to clean your hipster frame glasses, get your hair looking like a 1950’s pseudo-“greaser”, and getting that perfect crease in your back pocket hanker chief takes JUST AS FUCKING LONG as putting on some eye liner, glitter, and fishnets. It’s just the nature of the beast. If you’re a celebrity, your image matters. The way Justin Bieber looks is just as intentional as how The Black Keys look. I’m not even going to touch the fact that one of the two subjects in that comparison is talent as fuck and the other is Justin Bieber. Of course, I’m on the side of The Black Keys, but I’m also a white hetro male in his late 20’s. It’s what I relate to. The same as how a younger person would relate more to Bieber. The point here is that image matters.
One aspect of one’s “image” is the facial hair. Over the years we’ve seen some very famous facial hair hit the scene in the form of musical celebrity. Mustaches, goatees, and beards… oh my! When I say beards I don’t mean Kanye West’s beard… Kim Kardashian. But we can talk about the Hitler/Michael Jordan stache, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s goatee, and Opie’s beard from “Sons of Anarchy” is outstanding.
But in music oddly enough there aren’t as many as you’d think in music. But the ones that DO stand out REALLY stand out. There are many ways to judge one’s facial hair. It’s all subjective and no one is wrong and no one is right (except me!). The criteria I’m going with is overall popularity, how important it is to one’s identity, uniqueness, and trendsetting.
I’m sure I’ll miss some obvious ones and some obscure ones that I may not have been exposed to. Oh well. By now you’ve read the title of this column and already have one or two famous facial-haired musicians on your mind. Let’s compare notes…
10.| ::::[ Bob "The Bear" Hite
:::Band] Canned Heat
:::Facial Hair]Crazy Beard!
I need to listen to Canned Heat. I’ve heard a little and dug it, but even a non-fan can’t deny that Bob “The Bear” Hite’s massive Wildman beard is the shit. This larger-than-life blues-rock singer was a big mountain of a main who wore his chest-length beard with pride. It’s just a really impressive beard…
9.| ::::[ Jerry Garcia
:::Band] The Grateful Dead
:::Facial Hair]Santa Beard
Jerry Garcia is like the hippy Santa. The beard is big and full, but not too intimidating or off-putting. It’s like a cloud of weed smoke that took solid form in the shape of a beard. Jerry passed away, but he’s not going to be forgotten. The image of this guy is a big beard, some sunglasses, and a content and knowing smile. Plus, he and I have the same birth day! That’s bonus points for sure.
8.| ::::[ Neil Peart
:::Band] RUSH
:::Facial Hair]Handle-Bar Mustache
Neil Peart’s mustache from the 2112 era was kick ass. It was the 70’s and a lot of people had big mustaches in rock, but not many were on the level as Peart’s upper lip warmer. Despite drumming behind a million piece kit and on the same stage as his fellow RUSH members, I’m fairly certain the people in the back of the arena could STILL see those whiskers. Hell, I’m pretty sure I there is still sightings in some of the more wooded areas of Canada.
7.| ::::[ David Crosby
:::Band] Crosby, Stills, & Nash / Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young / Solo
:::Facial Hair]Walrus Stache
David Crosby’s mustache has had more drugs stuck in it than Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan could dream of doing. Yeah, I know that’s a lot but we’re also talking about David Crosby here. He’s a great singer and songwriter. Woodstock 69 would not have been the same without him. As cool as he is, his mustache is a BIG part of who he is. His big mustache stands out so much that he blames it for his lack of acting success. He’s just too recognizable. Melissa Ethridge even enlisted him for his sperm for artificial insemination. So there is a good chance these whisker jeans are going to be passed on. Let’s hope!
6.| ::::[ Scott Ian
:::Band] Anthrax
:::Facial Hair]Long Ass Chin Hair
True story: Scott Ian’s beard has its own facebook page with nearly one thousand likes. Scott Ian’s long ass chin hair is iconic. He didn’t always have it. You can find older videos where you can see a clean shaved Scott Ian rocking out, but why would you want to. The chin hair has been copied by others over time, but no one pulls it off like Ian. He should insure that shit.
5.| ::::[ “Dimebag” Darrell
:::Band] Pantera
:::Facial Hair]Crazy Pinkish-Red Caveman Beard
How could I not include Dimebag’s pinkish red beard? In metal, it’s not uncommon for people to rock cool facial hair but it faded away for a while. Enter Dimebag and his caveman look! He was one of the greatest metal guitar players of all time. We can’t deny that at all. But he was more than that. He seemed like a cool as hell person, funny, and just a good guy. But also, he had a crazy pinkish caveman beard and no one could say shit about it. That’s metal.
4.| ::::[ Derek Smalls
:::Band] Spinal Tap
:::Facial Hair]Mutton Beard
Yes, this is a parody character for a parody band. Spinal Tap is an old mockumentary that needs to be seen by anyone who has ever even looked at a guitar. It mocks and satirizes the older rock bands, their artistic ideas, touring, groupies, and the little things. I’m sure most of it is just as relevant today. It’s often heralded as being so great because well… it IS so great. It was so popular that Spinal Tap has pretty much become a real band. Derek Smalls is a main part of that. With his mutton beard, he looks the part. It looks similar to about a dozen 70’s rockers, but still stands on its own two sideburns. Sometimes a joke can be funny AND bad ass.
3.| ::::[ Freddie Mercury
:::Band] Queen
:::Facial Hair]Caterpillar Stach
Freddie Mercury still stands as one of the biggest and best voices in the history of rock and roll. His life was cut short, but the music Queen put out will last forever. Freddie’s voice was amazing, but he was just as much a showman. His most famous “look” was when he rocked his stache. It was a big thick caterpillar kind of mustache that just dominated his face. I’ve often found myself mocking those with this kind of mustache with a snarky mumble of “Okay Freddie Mercury”. I’m a jerk to them, but never towards Freddie. It’s not something that just anyone could pull off.
2.| ::::[ Lemmy Kilmister
:::Band] Motorhead
:::Facial Hair] Mutton Chop Beard
Like the old “Airheads” adage goes, “Who’s better? Lemmy or God?” Lemmy Kilmister is one bad ass mofo. This is like the Derek Small’s mutton beard, but this is real. Lemmy is one of metal’s true icons and well respected by anyone who knows anything. One of the many cool things about him is his facial hair. He sports bad ass mutton chops that connect via mustache. He looks like a biker pirate from the Wild West that just woke up from a black out bender. It’s part chop, part stache, part beard, and all metal. By the way, it was a trick question…. “Lemmy is God!”
1.| ::::[ ZZ Top
:::Band] ZZ Top (Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill, but ironically… NOT Frank Beard)
:::Facial Hair]Chest-Length Beards
Sure it’s a “tie”, but this one is obvious. There might be better groomed, more colorful, or more contemporary forms of rock star facial hair out there, but two of the three members of ZZ Top got it right. Famous for their chest length beards, Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill own the facial hair game. The only member in the band without the iconic beard is actually named Frank Beard. I always thought that was a cool little trivia fact. Since the late 70’s, these guys have rocked these massive beards. These beards are so famous that they were once offered a million bucks to take them off, but declined. This was in the 80’s. Imagine the inflation! These are literally multi-million dollar beards.
Who do YOU think has/had the best facial hair in rock?
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