BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
Not every music discussion needs to be Rolling Stone magazine worthy. If you’ve ever had a conversation with a friend about music you’d know there are TONS of strange places the talk could go. Not every bullshit session needs to end with the conclusion that Jack White is the best, boy bands were dumb, Nicki Minaj is getting away with yellow face, and Soundgarden was probably better than Nirvana but it’s unfair to say. These facts and randomness can be replaced with anything. We all have opinions and the more someone understands the context of your opinion the better!
A recent example of one of these random topics was when I took a look at the facial hair of rock. In the past I’ve written about random nonsense about musicians’ military experience, bands with a color in their name, and even the best songs about masturbation. There is really no reason to censor the column or limit the obscure possibilities.
Today we’re talking about bodies of water. A lot of band’s names have a body of water in them. Off the bat, I’m sure you can think of like three or so. Maybe our “streams will cross”, maybe not. Regardless of how off-kilter this topic is, I just want to get the conversation going. Some I like and some I don’t. For this not-so-special occasion, I’m bringing back one of the Savage Animal’s oldest traditions. I’m going to be giving these water bands my classic “Rock, Paper, Scissors” rating. If it rocks, then it gets “Rock”. If it sounds good on paper, or in this case if they’re “okay” then I’m giving then “Paper”. And finally, it sucks ass and I want to stab my eardrums out with scissors then, as you’d guess, I give it “Scissors”. Simple and silly enough, right?
Without further intro banter, here are the first ten artists that come to mind with a body of water in their name…
:::[BAND: MADINA LAKE
:::[BODY OF WATER: Emo-Pop Lake!
Madina Lake sucks. Sorry folks, but this kind of music is the reason rock music is on life support. In the middle of the last decade, we saw tons of bands that sounded like this hit the scene. Nathan and Matthew Leone are two rich kid pretty boys who got the right haircuts and jacked the right swagger and got lucky. I’ve heard the nickname of “the Fraggle Rock twins” tossed around in reference to them in Chicago more than once. I’ve seen them live a few times and it was painful. I’ve been around them and they were douchey. Personality and talent aside, I sorta dig the idea of setting their music in a fictional town from the 50’s but it sounds like they got a whiff of what Coheed and Cambria was doing and saw “Twin Peaks” and said “Hey, let’s make this stuff crappy and lame”. The result is Madina Lake.
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: SCISSORS
:::[BAND: PUDDLE OF MUDD
:::[BODY OF WATER: A Puddle Of Something That May Or May Not Be Mud!
The lead singer of Puddle of Mudd looks almost exactly like the goofy camp counselor in the classic Nickelodeon show “Salute Your Shorts”. For realizes! Look it up! That was seriously the FIRST thing that came to mind when I first heard Puddle of Mudd back like ten years ago. They’re harmless rock. They don’t rock any boats or put anything too edgy out there. Puddle of Mudd is what’s on the jukebox in the bars you only go to when you’re REALLY craving a domestic for $2. The “She Hate Me” song was cool and all, but the “I like the way she smacks my ass” one makes me want to puke on a perm.
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: SCISSORS
:::[BAND: DROWNING POOL
:::[BODY OF WATER: Baptismal of the Dead!
It’s not that I don’t like Drowning Pool. For a nu-metal era metal band, they’re pretty decent. I’ve actually lost count of how many times and how many versions I’ve seen of this band. They’ve even played a local bar a few years ago. They put on a pretty solid show. The songs of theirs I’ve heard were decent enough, but I can’t fully get behind them. It’s a lame reason, but it’s just something that irks me. How lame is it that I don’t call myself a fan of this band PURELY because of how grating the enunciation is of the world “Floor” in their smash hit “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor”. The word is “FLOOR”… not “Flo”! Dammit!
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: PAPER
:::[BAND: EMERSON, LAKE, AND PALMER
:::[BODY OF WATER: A (Greg) Lake!
ELP is an underappreciated prog-rock group from the 70’s. Dude’s sold over forty million albums and headlined stadium shows. The ELP name itself isn’t a body of water, but the “L” is for vocalist Greg Lake. So in this case, it’s a Lake… a Greg Lake. I appreciate this band, but not enough to say I’m a big fan or anything. Can’t deny the man his name though. He’s literally a Lake!
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: PAPER
:::[BAND: BILLY OCEAN
:::[BODY OF WATER: Smoothest Ocean Ever?
Billy Ocean has to be one of the smoothest pop stars of the 80’s. While Michael Jackson and Prince were laying down classics, Billy Ocean was doing his part in representing the UK. It’s a shame the guy who gave us “Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car”, “Caribbean Queen”, and “Loverboy” didn’t get more statues erected of him in front of schools, churches, and government buildings. I’m pretty sure he REALLY invented the moonwalk too! (Maybe not.)
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: ROCK
:::[BAND: FRANK OCEAN
:::[BODY OF WATER: Emo-Rap Ocean!
Frank Ocean is trailblazing the socially accepted traits of a “rapper” and that’s cool. On the flip side of that, I don’t care what his sexuality is. I do care if his music connects with him. It doesn’t. I’ve listened with an open mind, but his vocals and music generally seems boring and subdued. It comes in a disguise of “deep and passionate”, but it’s tiresome. The thing on his side is that he’s talented as hell and he’s young. He’s got tons of upswing potential and I genuinely look forward to watching his career evolve, but right now it’s just not my cup of tea.
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: PAPER
:::[BAND: CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL
:::[BODY OF WATER: Invisible Water?! Whaaa?!
Creedence, bro! When you hear CCR it’s CCR… or just the badass-ness of John Fogerty. Despite the weird legal nonsense of suing a man for sounding too much like himself, Creedence Clearwater Revival is one of the coolest rock bands of the late 60’s and early 70’s. Their brand of American rock music sounds as genuine today as it did when I first heard them as a child. Even then, that was like twenty years past their last release. There is just something about CCR that’s timeless. Of course, it’s “vintage” and “classic rock”, but there just hasn’t been any band or artist to take their path and expand on it. Then again, good luck trying.
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: ROCK
:::[BAND: OASIS
:::[BODY OF WATER: It’s All An Illuuuuusion!
Screw dis’ noise, yo. It’s not that I don’t appreciate a good song. Oasis has put out a few good songs into the world. Who wouldn’t like “Champaign Supernova”? It’s a great song. The thing that rubs me the wrong way is the two annoying Gallagher brothers. They ruin their own music by being who they are. Then they have diehard fans who overpraise their short successful stint in the 90’s as if they were on the level of U2 or even The Beatles. They never were and never will be. Still, some good songs though!
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: SCISSORS
:::[BAND: MUDDY WATERS
:::[BODY OF WATER: Undisclosed Blues Water?
Muddy Waters is one of the most influential musicians of all time. The things that man did in the 40’s would go on to influence what we heard in the rock and roll explosion of the 60’s and even in the stuff we hear today. Each song would take your soul to the edge and then pull it back with masterful groove and contagious melody. If you have any respect for music you need to take an afternoon sometime educate yourself on this man at least a little bit. You owe it to yourself.
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: ROCK
:::[BAND: RIVERS CUOMO
:::[BODY OF WATER: Weezer-Waterboy!
Rivers Cuomo is the vocalist for Weezer. I figure I’d get that out of the way for those who enjoy living under a rock. Weezer has been a dominate force in alt-rock since the 90’s. For years they’d put out awesome songs and have good success. That said, you’d think with the recent “Rise of the Hipster” (patent pending!) they’d be the biggest thing ever right now. They should be! Fandom aside, Rivers is a river! His father says he’s named after Soccer players, but not his mother. His mom says he was named such because she heard the sound of the river outside of his birth window. I tend to believe his mother. After all, he has a brother named “Leaves”. That’s some straight up hippy shit. I approve!
:::[ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS: ROCK
Obviously, we’re not REALLY keeping score here, but what is YOUR favorite “water-based” band or artist?
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