[MUSIC] THE SAVAGE ANIMAL "CALL NOW! ‘A Look at Music’s Commercial Past’"
09.04.13
BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
With the advancement of technology we can pretty much watch whatever we want and listen to whatever want at our own complete leisure. More and more people are abandoning typical cable and satellite providers in favor of Hulu, Netflix, and another half dozen outlets that’ll be outdated before we all know it. Things just keep progressing forward in this area that it’s hard to keep up, but fun as hell to try.
With this technological evolution, things are going to have to adapt or be left behind. One of those things is commercials. On some platforms the commercials are still there. You’ll have to wait for little 30 second spots to get done before you can continue to watch what you want. It’s a minor inconvenience that I’m sure will somehow be “remedied” before too long. This is a form of adaptation. The commercials that are going to get left behind are the infomercials and the music compilation set offers.
They were pretty much “professional mix CDs” where they’d get the rights to a whole bunch of similar sounding or similar themed music, throw them on a nine CD set, and then sell to drunks and insomniacs at four payments of an arm and a leg. The thing that killed this type of products strong run was the evolution of the mp3, the mp3 player, and having access to make our own playlists. So in reality, it’s a double-sided sword except one side cuts and the other side slices.
So before they’re completely forgotten and something only old senile people talk about, let’s take a look at some of the different types of infomercials and commercials from music’s past…
Product: NEW ALBUM/”GREATEST HITS”
This one is pretty obvious. When a company has a new product to sell they have to promote it. When a band has a new album they have to promote it. Why not in the form of a television commercial? For the longest time that was the biggest way to reach people. So we saw TONS of commercials promoting a musician’s new album. Some were good and some were bad. Often times, we’d see “Greatest Hits” collections hit the airwaves. The commercials would be a “Call Now!” situation, but also promote that it’s “In Stores Now!” Sometimes it would be an actual release by the band but a lot of the time it just seemed like someone is trying to make some money of a music catalog somewhere. The commercials were a plenty though.
Product: TIME LIFE MUSIC COLLECTIONS
I don’t know what Time Life was up to, but they couldn’t have been up to any good. They seemed to be a HUGE part of the whole “compilation collection” commercial game back in the day. They didn’t just put out the same stuff though. I think that’s my problem. You’d see the logo flash and you didn’t know if a greatest hits of the Bee Gees, the greatest hits of disco, or some kind of weird sultry “Body and Soul” CD collection that’s obviously made for adults to have sex to. So basically, there’s a good chance that if your parents are REALLY lame you were conceived to “Shining Star” by The Manhattans. Damn you Time Life, damn you!
Product: “BUZZ WORTHY”/ALTERNATIVE SETS
When the first thing you hear is “Higher” by Creed you KNOW you’re in for a GREAT album, right? Right? Yeah. Probably not. These things were around for a while. When the newer bands broke out it’d crowd the scene up so you’d occasionally see a CD full of bands that are just starting to get stale. This would open them up a whole new demographic of people. I’m talking about the people who actually paid for “as seen on TV” music mixes. Who are you people? Please speak up! The excited voice over man tells us that these are the BEST alternative hits of ALL TIME. I heard Papa Roach and Hoobastank in there for fucks sake! ALL TIME?!
Product: KID COVERS
There is the big one called “Kid Bopz” or “Kidz Bop” or something with a “Bop” and a “Z”. Most people know about that one. Its little kids singing in a chorus and covering “today’s biggest hits”. Basically, it’s a whole bunch of little kids singing to Green Day or Kelly Clarkson. But even before the “Bop” and a “Z” collections started blowing up the “pro mix CD” game, there were other weird kid sing along albums. It’s perfectly harmless in most cases, but some songs do have some heavy innuendo. There is no reason a group of small children should be harmonizing to ANY Maroon 5 song. It’s just unsettling.
Product: JOCK JAMS
Everyone loved Jock Jams, right? It was a whole bunch of up-tempo techno-rap or really stupid and danceable pop songs. They’d sprinkle in a little arena rock for sure, but the main focus always seemed to be on the stuff cheer leaders would listen to on their way to church. I don’t mean, “Whoop! There It Is!” though. That song is a classic. It’s hard to believe they cranked out 295 volumes of this set and only 270 of them had “Everybody Dance Now!” remixes on it. I imagine these CDs would be a coke head’s worst nightmare.
Product: GOSPEL/RELIGIOUS /SPIRITUAL SETS
These always irked me. I’d be watching a random WCW show on TBS and some Anne Murray commercial would come up promoting a gospel album. I have no problem with people believing whatever they want, but as a kid watching wrestling it was always a buzz kill. I wanted to see Harlem Heat beat someone up, not hear an extended clip of “Go Tell It On The Mountain” sung by Jim Nabors. I can now appreciate the vocal talents for sure, but it was just out of place and over played. It wasn’t all just Christianity either. I remember one very specific “spiritual” or “relaxation/meditation” CD set that had the X-Files song in the commercial. There I learned it was called “Tubular Bells”. Yeah, I knew that shit without looking it up. *high five!*
Product: HOLIDAY COLLECTIONS
There’s nothing too much to say about this one. Holiday collections were always a big deal with “mix CD” commercials. There’d be tons of Christmas ones. A lot of old singers, country stars, and even a few R&B talents would put out Christmas albums at this point. Every one of them would a commercial that airs from Halloween to St. Patrick’s Day. While Christmas was the big one, Halloween had some too. I recall collections of eerie music, horror music themes, and scary sound effects being around a lot. On the holiday front, that’s about it. I don’t think they ever sold Presidents Day mix CDs, did they?
Product: GUITAR LESSONS
To be fair, I don’t remember any of these commercials except for the one Esteban. The man who wore the black Zorro hat who taught people who to play the guitar through a series of videos, books, and I think maybe even CDs. It always seemed like a big deal as a kid. The problem was that I couldn’t take it seriously. When you’re a kid you want your music to come from rock stars, not guys who look like they can swing a sword better than play a cover of “Blue Monday”.
Product: MONSTER BALLADS
This is one of those commercials that played so much during my youth and my teens that I almost know the cues and the next song before I ever hear it. That’s even after not seeing or even thinking about this commercial in a very long time. This album is full of 1980’s hair metal ballads sung by the likes of Warrant, Poison, Damn Yankees, Motely Crue, Winger, Scorpions, Cinderella, and of course Extreme. This video also features a married couple holding hands and jumping out of an airplane. We hear someone shout “this is awesome” and we’re supposed to assume it’s the guy that’s jumping in the air. I don’t know WHY that’s in there, but it is. Just accept it. We’ve come this far. But remember ladies, “Every bad boy has his soft side!”
Product: NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC!
If you want to say that you “listen to music”, but really have no personality, taste, or genuine preference then THIS crap is for you. It’s basically a mix CD of random “Top 40” hits. It’s the same crap that you can hear on the radio played on a loop. It’s the same stuff that MTV actually shows. It’s just about always a big collection of crap. I could imagine kids liking these in a way, but if you’re older than 13 and can’t handle the responsibility of listening to a FULL ALBUM then you don’t deserve music. Who the hell is buying these?
