BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
There have been tons of great stories in the history of music. There are facts that we’ve all seen and experienced, but there’s also the folklore. Those are the fun stories. The stories about Zeppelin, a mother and a daughter… and a fish are out there. People have heard the party stories of Motely Crue on Sunset. The old Van Halen “no green M&M” rider demands is out there. There are literally an infinite amount of these little stories, some are crazy, some are depressing, and some are just silly.
Are they true? Does it matter? Who really knows besides the people who lived through it. That’s not the point. The point today is to take a look at some of the more recent-ish myths of music. While the days of crazy groupies, drunken rages, and screaming “I’m a golden God” from a roof-top might be dwindling down thanks to social media, TMZ, and loose lips…. The legends are still out there.
Today I’m going to put the modern myths of music to the test by using my own patented “Rock, Paper, Scissors” grading system! It’s easy. It’s “this rocks”, “it looks good on paper!”, and of course everyone’s favorite, “it makes me want to stab my ear holes with scissors!” It’s all subjective and my personal opinion. Please feel free to share your own thoughts using my awesome “Rock”, “Paper”, “Scissors” grading scale where we don’t grade on a curve, we grade on an urge!
Myth #1: “Marilyn Manson Was The Kid On…”
Probability of Reality: 0.666%
Marilyn Manson had tons of cool rumors and myths said about him when he was at the peak of his game. I loved hearing the crazy stories about how got ribs removed to be able to “perform” oral on himself. I even had fun hearing the crazy and ridiculous stories of him actually performing it on other band members, fans, etc. The stories just piled on. I was never dumb enough to believe any of them, but I sure as hell was guilty of being of those “I heard Marilyn Manson did” people. One rumor that was rampant was that Manson, real name Brian Warner, was “Paul Pfeiffer” on the show “The Wonder Years”. That dude was Joshua Saviano. But then again, who is to say he didn’t get a name change in his late teens/early 20s? I mean… his name isn’t REALLY Marilyn Manson is it? Another one I heard was that he was the kid on Mr. Belvedere. Again, not true. It was still one of those fun obscure rumors that made my teens that much more enjoyable. REPENT!
1…2…3: ROCK
Myth #2: “Lady Gaga Has Junk In The… Front?”
Probability of Reality: 10%
All of those creative and gaudy-cool costumes and we get lackluster myths like this? There are images and video where she had a “bulge” and people throw a shit fit over it. Could it be part of the costume or even a “female product”? How about we use some logic here? While this rumor is spread wide, it came in the time when we were over saturated with Gaga nonsense. There is clearly footage and images of a pre-Gaga woman living her life and doing her thing out there. She was even on an MTV after-school game show thing, all brunette and pretty looking. This is just a lame rumor with not much creativity behind it. Why not something like “she was born with both and now keeps her detached penis in a jar that she takes with her everywhere”? See! That took me like 20 seconds to come up with and it’s much more entertaining than “that chick has a dick!” C’mon!
1…2…3: PAPER
Myth #3: “Bono Flew His Hat First Class?”
Probability of Reality: 80%
It was claimed that Bono was in Italy and realized he forgot his favorite hat. He then proceeded to fly his hat from London to Italy for a whopping $1700. I don’t know if it’s true, but I think it could be. It’s so simple and lame enough to be real. I’m sure there is more to it than that, but it doesn’t matter. Bono REALLY wanted his hat so he got his hat. He’s also always doing what he can to raise awareness and funds to other countries. Does that mean he has to live a life of poverty himself to balance it out? Whatever! If it were anyone else, people wouldn’t bat an eye. If it were a rapper, it would be a headline and a lyric to a popular song that everyone would sing in unison for a month before completely forgetting about it. But no, this is Bono. He’s under a lot of scrutiny. He’s constantly hated on by people who don’t realize they’re being dicks about one of the best vocalist of all time. Yeah, I’m a fan. I’m not blind to things though. I get why people could hate on Bono, but those same people never took in the greatness that was “Unforgettable Fire”, “Boy”, “War”, or even “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”. U2’s singles are all people hear and they miss out on the true gems of their catalog. Rockstars are rockstars. I don’t care if you’re a nothing who gets laid because their band played in the same dive bar that night. I don’t care if you’re opening for a shitty 90’s band in all your glory. And yeah, I don’t care if you’re selling out STADIUMS and encouraging people to donate or at least care about causes that they’d never be exposed to otherwise. Bono can be pretentious, but is Jay Z not? Is Arcade Fire not pretentious? A cartoon decided to make fun of him and now everyone just blindly hops aboard the hate train. If anyone knows me, they’d know that I spent my twenties very attached to my hat. If I had the money to fly it to me in time of need, I would! Then I’d put on my big ass shades, tell some people to help out other people, and go on my way. Deal with it.
1…2…3: ROCK
Myth #4: “Jay Z & The Illuminati Allstars!”
Probability of Reality: 100%
Scientology, gurus, and even that one with the string all came and went as the “spiritualityflavor of the week”. It’s said that Jay Z, and a lot of others, are actually illuminati. There isn’t a whole lot confirmed about the group, if it even exists, but there are plenty of myths and rumors. The idea is that it’s a group of elitists who have their own secret society. I guess it’s comparable to the Free Masons, a cult, and a corporate collection. He makes odd references to Mason stuff in songs and then keeps sticking with God-aimed lyrics. As far as I always knew, the Masons were a strong-faith based group. So that doesn’t mean he’s not a mason, if not more. The problem is that I just have trouble buying it. People will want to believe what they want and I’m not saying Jay Z isn’t part of some private club, but illuminati? I dunno man. People tried to say his “diamond” hand sign was an illuminati-related. The dude was doing it for years. YEARS. He even got rightfully sued by wrester Diamond Dallas Page for ripping his shit off. So, unless DDP is the king of the illuminati then I got nothin’! BANG!
1…2…3: SCISSORS
Myth #5: “Tupac, Biggie, Michael Jackson, Etc. Are All REALLY Alive?”
Probability of Reality: 7%
Elvis, Morrison, Hendrix, Janis, Mama Cass, and everyone who has ever been famous who died aren’t really dead. They’re all on this magical LOST-like island. The whole Elvis thing was the most popular one. I’ve seen it in tabloids my whole life. But now, we’re in a “new era”. We have our own ghosts to give up. In this case, let’s take a look at the crazy conspiracies that claim that the likes of Biggie and even Michael Jackson are still alive. The biggest myth centers around Tupac Shakur though. His last album was “Makaveli: Don Killiluminati, the 7 Day Theory”, and it was also the same gimmick he used on the way out. The whole idea of the number 7 being a big deal. Pac was shot and then 7days later he died. There is also a whole aspect that the real Machiavelli supported the idea of faking your death in order to recreate yourself. Pac had to know about this. There is even a note in that last album that said “Exit 2 Pac, Enter Makaveli”. So really, it’s possible that he DID put this whole mentality to work but it’s doubtful. Really doubtful. I’m all for the comeback though, that’s for sure!
1…2…3: PAPER
Myth #6: “T.I.: Wait I Thought Snitches Get Pinches!”
Probability of Reality: 1.87%
T.I. is a famous rapper who is actually not a bad actor at all. He has put out some of the bigger hits in the past ten plus years and has been pretty decent in the film roles he has taken on. All of this talent needs defending, right? T.I. apparently thought so when he was caught with an arsenal of illegal weapons. This would normally be some heavy duty jail time, but not him. According to a lot of people, the dude got off light. So light that people started running their mouth and pointing their finger. It’s claimed that he ratted people out, but it’s pretty hard to prove. Big Meech of the Black Mafia Family went on record and said that no one can claim that T.I. said anything about anyone because his entire pleaand sentencing is online in transcript form. This is not a action crime movie, it’s real life. This happens, especially for rich people who are putting more tax money into the system than a run of the mill thug. Don’t act like this doesn’t mean anything. T.I. has moved on and so should everyone… or else! (maybe!)
1…2…3: SCISSORS
Myth #7: “Kurt Cobain’s Death -Defying Death.”
Probability of Reality: 10%
I’m not one of those people who are quick to say Courtney Love is responsible for Kurt Cobain’s death. It’s an interesting thought, but I’m not going to accuse anyone of murder. No one really has that right to begin with unless it’s proven clearly and she’s charged in a court of law. Her actions may be questionable, but I have no reason to think she’d be a murderer or associated in the act that put a defining period to one of the best eras of modern music. There are some odds and ends that make it seem a little suspicious and I’m sure in result fuels whatever is left in the myth today. Apparently there were no finger prints on the gun, apparently some dude claimed he was offered money to kill Kurt by Love and was found dead shortly after making this public, and apparently no one can accept the truth. The man loaded up on heroin and took his own life. If it were malicious, I’d totally want justice. I’m just not going to cling on to the man’s death when I can just as easily cling on to the art he left behind.
1…2…3: SCISSORS
What is YOUR favorite modern myth in music?
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