BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
There have been tons of great stories in the history of music. There are facts that we’ve all seen and experienced, but there’s also the folklore. Those are the fun stories. The stories about Zeppelin, a mother and a daughter… and a fish are out there. People have heard the party stories of Motely Crue on Sunset. The old Van Halen “no green M&M” rider demands is out there. There are literally an infinite amount of these little stories, some are crazy, some are depressing, and some are just silly.
Are they true? Does it matter? Who really knows besides the people who lived through it. That’s not the point. The point today is to take a look at some of the more recent-ish myths of music. While the days of crazy groupies, drunken rages, and screaming “I’m a golden God” from a roof-top might be dwindling down thanks to social media, TMZ, and loose lips…. The legends are still out there.
Today I’m going to put the modern myths of music to the test by using my own patented “Rock, Paper, Scissors” grading system! It’s easy. It’s “this rocks”, “it looks good on paper!”, and of course everyone’s favorite, “it makes me want to stab my ear holes with scissors!” It’s all subjective and my personal opinion. Please feel free to share your own thoughts using my awesome “Rock”, “Paper”, “Scissors” grading scale where we don’t grade on a curve, we grade on an urge!
Randomness #1: “The Band: Sleigh Bells”
This is a newish noise pop band out of New York. They’re still a bit fresh on “the scene”, but have made a name for themselves pretty quickly. You can hear their music in random places like television, commercials, and movies but if you’ve been anywhere close to a radio tuned into coolness then you’ve heard this duo and all of their glory. While a lot of people and bands have a certain hipster friendly look and sound, Sleigh Bells seems to be doing their own thing on all accounts. Their music is definitely an interesting sound and easy to appreciate. I’m going to do you a favor now and if you haven’t heard of this band, go listen to them right now. Then you can proceed to tell people that you were into the band Sleigh Bells BEFORE they got all crazy popular. It’s only a matter of time. This kind of talent and energy can’t be contained by any “underground” or “scene”.
1…2…3: ROCK
Randomness #2: “UK Christmas Singles”
This is a big reason why America fled Europe and had to start America the country. I read this in a book so it’s 100% accurate truth. In the UK they have a long running tradition going back to one of the Henry kings where it’s a big deal to be the number one song at Christmas. In reality, it seems to go back to the 50’s. The idea being that since the record sales peak at Christmas it’s a big deal to be the number one album at the time. Sometimes it’s a charity single, sometimes a novelty song, and often it’s a popular musician throwing a Christmas single out there for the fans to eat up. The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Queen, Michael Jackson, Spice Girls, and Rage Against The Machine are just a few of the many names I don’t recognize on the list. There are a lot of pop stars in the UK that just never crossed over. Yet… they’re a big deal enough to be the number one on the UK Christmas chart? That doesn’t do much for anyone’s credibility. Yeeesh. Way to ruin it.
1…2…3: SCISSORS
Randomness #3: “Christmas Songs Are Kinda Creepy”
I’m glad Christmas music is only legal during the holidays. By that I don’t mean it’s illegal by law to listen to this music during “off months”, but it’s socially illegal for sure. No one should ever be listening to Christmas music all year long. I’m not a Grinch or anything. Far from it. The reason I want Christmas music banned is because it’s just flat out creepy. It’s not creepy in the fun pulpy kind of Alice Cooper – Marilyn Manson kind of way. I’m talking unsettling, goose bumps, and uncomfortable moments. Christmas music is creepy. The creepy and overly dramatic choirs singing about babies, twelve days of very specific shopping, and whatever the hell those songs in “Nutcracker” are about. It’s creepy Church-like music that would fit into any scary vampire movie. “Away in the manger”? “Silent Night”? “The Little Drummer Boy”? “O Holy Night”? “O Come, All Ye Faithful”? Tell me those songs aren’t a bit haunting and creepy when you get the right person being all emotional to one of these snow and methodical ear murderers.
1…2…3: SCISSORS
Randomness #4: “Bowie and Bing”
When I think about Christmas music, I’d like for this to be the first thing to come to mind. Sadly, creepy Christmas music haunts me. I am a HUGE fan of David Bowie. His musical influence on modern rock is apparent and will always have an impact. Bowie is just timeless art that you absorb and reabsorb taking something new and meaningful every listen in every era of your life. The song “Changes” has had so many different meanings to be over the years that I’m sure I could listen to it right now and get a whole new vibe from it. To me, that is what makes great art. It’s not just some kind of artistic medium you appreciate, but you keep re-appreciating it. This Christmas song with Bing Crosby is another example of that. Bing is one of the most wholesome and nicest figures of all time. He is responsible for some of the best, non-creepy, Christmas music ever released. On this 1977 Christmas special, the theme was Bing visiting England during the holidays. One of the segments included the 70-something Bing hanging out with 30 year old Bowie. They wanted Bowie to just show up and sing “Little Drummer Boy” with Bing. Bowie wasn’t too into the idea so at the last minute the extra mini-song one-verse portion “Peace on Earth” was written. Bowie liked it and sung it with Bing with less than one hour of rehearsal. This still has to go down as one of the most surreal moments in music history.
1…2…3: ROCK
Randomness #5: “Overly Emotional Sitcom Moments”
Not all televised holiday programming is bad, but it’s the sitcoms that cross the line the most. I am a sitcom nerd. I’ve seen a lot of bad TV in my life and I pretty much embrace it. They say that it’ll “rot your brain”, but there are much more unpleasant ways to rot your brain than bad jokes and a laugh track. You just get sucked in and it becomes part of the TV part of your brain. We all know Cosby, The Simpsons, Cheers, Fresh Prince, etc. The thing about sitcoms is when they get EXTRA cheesy it’s really painful. This normally happens around the Christmas episode. They go for the awe-shucks-twinkle-eyed moment of the quiet girl singing “Hark the Angel” to an amazingly heart-warming reception. How many sitcoms ripped off and go with the ol’ “Scrooge” three ghosts storyline? How many meet a poor family they can learn a lesson from and give charity to? These are all fine examples, but it’s just out of the element of these shows. Sitcoms really build expectations for holidays to people who most likely shouldn’t have those expectations built up. My main issue is the “rerun-ablity” of these shows. When a random marathon of Fresh Prince is on, the stupid Christmas stuff will pop up in there. When watching Saved by the Bell, the weird poor mall family episode will pop up. Same with Boy Meets World and Full House.
1…2…3: SCISSORS
Randomness #6: “What Would Santa Listen To? Discuss.”
What would Santa Claus listen to? I’m not saying to list what your parents listen to, but the actual mythical man that is Santa Claus. That dude cannot seriously being listening to Christmas music all year long. That’s a ridiculous thing to even consider. Even if he loves the music, I’d like to assume he’s a fan of more than the one genre. The elves would be dropping from suicide faster than the Apple product factory workers. So in my perfect world, Santa Claus listens to classic rock. In my brain he’s a more productive and cheerful version of “The Dude”. This means he hates The Eagles and cranks C.C.R. while smoking a candy cane in his sleigh. This discussion seems interesting until you realize that Santa would most likely listen to crap like Jimmy Buffet. It’s just as easy to imagine Mr. Claus sitting back and drinking a margarita and being one of those old creepy people who snark out “It’s five o’clock somewhere” as they drink their old people drink from some kind of fruit. I’m not a jerk though. These people have most likely worked hard and didn’t get a chance to experience enough fun in their youth to know how to have un-lame fun as older people. Maybe they didn’t have anyone cool in their lives to influence them into liking good stuff. It’s almost like a learning disability, but rather a “listening disability”. Sorry, I didn’t mean to get on that rant there. But yeah, this discussion topic is good in theory, but accepting the results isn’t fun.
1…2…3: PAPER
What is music related randomness is on YOUR Christmas brain?
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