BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
2013 is Gone. Another rotation around the big rock has been completed so we can all put in paper hats with tight rubber bands and drunkenly cheer on the occasion. Balls have been dropped, resolutions have been made, and kisses have been exchanged.
Everyone is looking forward. At least everyone should be. We have a lot to look forward to in 2014 and especially in the next few months. There is plenty to be optimistic about and plenty to work on.
Real quick, before we get too ahead of ourselves, let’s take a glance back at the year that was. I could easily go week by week and talk about all the random news items. That’s an easy write for any columnist or blogger. I wanted to put my own stank on the tired idea.
Today I am going to put together a digital time capsule for the year 2013. The idea of making a time capsule is always fun. It gives the future you or even a future generation a look back at what people were doing and what was going on in a certain time. 2013 is no different. There are some historical things going on underneath our noses just as much as there are some ridiculously embarrassing things going on that we’ll be cringing about in the not too distant future.
Let’s poke around 2013 and see what happens…
WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY
So it’s a kid song… but it’s ironic so it’s for adults? Okay. It’s a Norwegian comedy duo who put out a video to promote the new season of their show. It “went viral” and became the big craze of the moment.
”In The Future…”Is this the 2013 “Friday” or “Gangnam Style”? This song is a novelty. It’s pretty damn popular at the moment, but it has to carry on for way too long for it to be on the same level as a “Gangnam Style” or even a “Who Let The Dogs Out?” It’s a joke song. The artists have their own thing going outside of music so I doubt they’ll have much issue with this being the obvious one hit wonder it’ll go down as.
THAT LORDE SONG
This pretty white girl sounds like Rihanna, rambles her lyrics, and is one of the biggest new stars of the year. The song is catchy as hell. I won’t even lie and say I haven’t enjoyed it on more than a few occasions. It’s just to the point where it’s gotten annoying. It’s being overplayed and is oversaturating pretty much every radio market I listen to in the Chicagoland area.
”In The Future…”This song will be remembered. It’s too popular to go away forever. It’s going to be one of those songs that people bring up when forced to talk to about 2013. It’s not a bad song, but it reminds me of something like a “99 Luft Balloons” or something else pop-of-the-moment.
MOLLY
What is it? A scheduled 1 controlled substance, that’s what. I’m no party pooper, but this drug seems a little iffy. It’s basically pure MDMA, which is ecstasy. I have no problem with someone dropping the occasional roll, but the whole inane use of party kids calling it “molly” is worthy of literally pissing in someone’s face.
”In The Future…”Remember bath salts? Yeah, me too. Drugs come and go. For a while people were really into “candy flipping” and then kids got into “whip its”. It doesn’t matter. It’ll be a topic in the future, but relevant? I doubt it. Something cooler will come out. Hopefully no one calls it something stupid like “Molly”. Screw whoever named it that. Drugs are supposed to be cool and risky. When I hear some plaid pants wearing douche say “I was on Molly last night bro!” I think it’s fair game to assume they have no genitalia.
ARCADE FIRE: KEEPING ROCK ALIVE!
Reflektor is one the best rock albums in a while. In a time when rock is watered down and monotone pop rules the airwaves, it’s refreshing to see an accessible art rock band release inspired rock and roll music.
”In The Future…”I’m fairly certain we’re all going to continue to love the Arcade Fire. They might not blow up to a U2 level or anything, but people are going to continue to love them and follow them the same way bands like The White Stripes are always going to be appreciated. They’re just cemented into the era as a leader of rock. They COULD fade off or fizzle out, but their immediate impact and awesome work will not be forgotten. Then again, a fan boy of any band would say the same stuff I just said. Let’s hope I’m right.
JUSTIN BIEBER’S OWL TATTOO
Justin Bieber got a tattoo of an owl. It sorta looks like the owl hidden on the US dollar bill. Uh… There is nothing more to say.
”In The Future…” Did I miss something? Why the hell did owls become the fashionable animal for 2013? Go to any “contemporary” store and you’re going to see random shit with owls on it. If you’ve ever seen the awesome sketch on “Portlandia” that boasts “put a bird on it!” then you’ll understand how obscenely ridiculous this fad is. People are literally making money off dumb people by “putting an owl on it”. Suckers!
AFTER SHOCKS OF THE HARLEM SHAKE
Random dancing done by random nerds.
”In The Future…”This is pretty much done with. I know there was some residual shakes popping up, but in general we’re done! I’m sure that if we added up every minute of every “Harlem Shake” and made those who participated in said dance hold their breath for the duration then the world would be a better place. Remember how a few years ago it was “cool” for people to have elaborate and over the top dances down the aisle of weddings and how these “cool” videos would show up on Youtube? Of course, we’ve ALL seen that episode of The Office. Well, the Harlem Shake is the same thing… minus the wedding cake. Disgusting!
THE INNOCENCE OF ONE DIRECTION
One Direction is currently the boy band of the moment. In 2013 it’s hard to think of any other teenage group that’s as loved and followed as these kids.
”In The Future…”These guys are going to break up. Back in the day, every boy band has the “bad boy” who gets in trouble. These days it’s every band member. I think it’s safe to say the popularity of One Direction will eventually fade as their fan base starts growing underarm hair. Just like any young pop star, these guys will start rebelling and partying. Enjoy the innocence while you can because this will definitely get messy.
SHOE-LESS HIPSTER BANDS
Hipsters got all folky on us. I heard them referred to as “ho-hey” bands. It’s the bands who have banjos, not enough shoes, unkempt beards, and overpriced vintage clothing. It’s a pussified Woodstock where instead of bad acid being passed around it’s expired almond milk and kale shakes.
”In The Future…” The hipster fad had evolved rather nicely. The popular thing was emo for a while. The skinny jeans would stay, but the sad make-up and Hitler hair was left behind as the hipster movement would take over. At that point, they added plaid shirts and too many handkerchiefs. Now it’s this. Before we know it, it’ll be something else. Not soon enough.
MILEY CYRUS’S TONGUE AND TWERKS
Miley Cyrus has grown up before our eyes. She started off as a child on “Hannah Montana”. The show was HUGE and she started to really take off with her music career. Kids loved her and she was pretty much America’s sweetheart for a while. Then her girl-balls dropped and she became the pot-smoking, tweaking, party girl she is today.
”In The Future…” She’s a young chick with a lot of money, no limits, and who surely has attention/ego issues. No matter how kind her heart may be, her mentality has to be screwed up from growing up in the spotlight. When everyone else has their “you can’t tell me what to do!” tantrums as teenager and rebellious young adult it goes by unnoticed by the media. When Miley smokes some weed it becomes a TMZ headline. It’s weed. It’s legal in like 57 of the 50 states. She “twerked” on Jason Seaver’s legitimate son at an award show. 10 years before that Madonna and Britney kissed. Before that was Madonna dancing seductively. Then we have past instances from gaga, Marilyn Manson, and even Eminem. There is always “controversy”. This shit is tame. Miley is coming out of her shell and her marketing team is capitalizing on it. In a few years she’ll calm down and settle down or at least someone else will come along and “out-offend” the soccer moms of suburbia.
What would go in your 2013 time capsule?
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