BY MIKEY MIGO
You've done it, your parents have done it, your grandparents have done it, and your 3rd grade teacher definitely did it. Everyone does it. If they claim they don't they're liars. That's right, I'm getting taboo here and talking about masturbation. When I'm stumped for a good column topic I'll often tap into my excessive hard drive of music and listen for themes. Oddly enough the one that stood out this week was masturbation. You may not party like a rockstar, have rockstar money, or rockstar women, but apparently rockstars masturbate. That's one thing you can relate to them with.
Sure it's an odd topic to talk about and might make you feel a bit uncomfortable, but isn't that what you expect now when you read "The Savage Animal"? I hope so, because if not, you're not really reading these. So after a lot of consideration, I have put together my TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT MASTURBATION.
10.) "Masturbates" by Mindless Self Indulgence
This is one of those songs that only a Mindless fan would really appreciate. The vocals are very odd, but the lyrics are really what sets it off. For a track under three minutes long Jimmy Urine sure says "masturbates" a lot. For a list about masturbation, this is a swell way to kick it off.
9.) "AA XXX" by Peaches
All of Peaches' songs are sexual, vulgar, and full of insane goodness. The 80's techno feel only makes it a song you'd want to play over and over again, but the vocals and lyrics make you feel just a tad bit uncomfortable. See, "Double A" batteries go into "something" as she thinks of "XXX." If you hear the song, you'll left feeling a bit odd. Imagine hearing it and seeing it live. Yikes.
8.) "Go with the Flow" by Queens Of The Stone Age
I almost titled my second screenplay "Go with the Flow" so I listened to this track a lot in 2006. The music to this track is perfect and the vocals are what one comes to expect with the ever so talented Queens of The Stone Age. I guess if you think about the title of "Go with the Flow" enough you'll get what they were going for. Kick ass song. Nothing else to be said.
7.) "Thinking of You" by A Perfect Circle
A Perfect Circle was the first band I had ever seen live. It was right before the first album came out and I knew nothing about the music. This song specifically was the one that stood out to me that night even more so than Judith, Three Libras, and the slew of other tracks from that great LP.
6.) "Coin-Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls
I gotta go with the "A is for Accident" version because it's more vulgar. When dealing with songs about masturbation, I would think "more vulgar" is definitely the way to go. In this song Amanda Palmer sings about her perfect male, a coin operated one. I wasn't sure about this being that much on topic, but I've been told firmly that it is. So just on song quality alone, I put this at #6.
5.) "TwisT" by Nine Inch Nails
Unless you're a huge NIN mark, you probably haven't heard this one. It's a from the demo that later mostly turned into "Pretty Hate Machine." Most of the verses was used in Ringfinger and this demo track is just as good as the final version in my humble opinion. This makes the list because at the end of the song Trent Reznor reads what seems to be a letter talking about how "when I do it, I only think of you." If that's not a creepy letter, I dunno what is.
4.) "Capitol P" by Mindless Self Indulgence
Sure this track is under two minutes long, but most of MSI songs are. If a chorus is "You know I'm really horny. really horny. won't stop." is not the most forward part of the song then you're on to something. This gets such a high place on the list because the song is just awesome.
3.) "A.D.I.D.A.S." by Korn
When I was telling someone about this list before I put it together they questioned that if this song was just "dreaming about sex" or about masturbation. My response was that if you're thinking about sex that much you're bound to go through a few Kleenex. This strip club staple is a must have for this list. For a while there, when someone brought up the brand name "Adidas" one couldn't help but sing the song and giggle like a wee lad.
2.) "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
While it's sorta racist in terms of masturbation, it's still a very memorable song. The whole scenario of squinting your eyes while masturbation is uncomfortable to talk about, yet very entertaining.
1.) "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls
This song has a lot of history with me. When I was a teenager and new to indy wrestling there was one local wrester that used this for his entrance music. Awesome guy, but even better gimmick. The same guy was the first match for my first world champion as well. The opening build up to this song is awesome and the lyrics are very crude and very blunt. I can't think of any other Divinyls tracks, but this one is something I will never forget. I've heard a dark and gothy cover of it recently that was cool, but lacked the "oomph" of the original. Of all the songs on this list, you can question if the lyrics are metaphorical but not this one. That makes this my favorite song about this specific topic.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh no, he didn't!".
Yep. I did.
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