BY MIKEY MIGO
Tis the season for family, friends, and overall wholesome goodness. But there's a dark side to all of these yuletide festivities. Of course I'm talking about the gifts you receive that just flat out suck. You're not going to tell your aunt Margaret that the sweater she bought you with the light up Rudolph nose isn't what you wanted, you're not going to tell your parents that the Playstation 2 you received isn't a Playstation 3 and you already have collecting dust in your room, and you're not going to tell your friends that your Laguna Beach addiction was just a phase.
What you are going to do is return a lot of gifts. It's not saying you don't appreciate your loved ones thinking about you during the season, it's saying that you want to give yourself a gift from them that you'll truly care about and will cherish.
I think that should go for musicians as well. Let's take a look at some of today's biggest stars and let's exchange some of their gifts. They're all rich, so it's not like they'll miss them...
EXCHANGE NUMBER ONE
RETURN: Brittney Spears
Yeah, we're obviously going to talk about the attention whores of 2007. Brit put out an album this year that completely flopped. Shocker, right? In the late 90's when she blew up, the novelty of a slutty teen pop star was still there. She became a slutty, washed up, walking tragedy especially over the past year. The paparazzi are on her girl-nuts non stop and we all continue to check in on the fun. I've said it before; she's sadly heading down the Anna Nicole path. Whoever picked December 25th, 2007... you lost.
EXCHANGE FOR: Hannah Montana
Who would have thought in the early 90's that Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter would end up owning the pop world in 2007? I'm sure I'll get a lot of shit for this, but she's exactly what a young pop star should be. She's not slutty, she's a good role model, and she seems to have her head on straight. Her music may not have the "substance" that most of us would want, but it's harmless and apparently millions of kids enjoy it. Miley Cyrus is going to come to that crossroad eventually and it'll be up to her to decide if she wants to continue her clean path or go crazy like so many pop divas have done so vigorously.
EXCHANGE NUMBER TWO
RETURN: Emo
In 2007 we saw an even bigger rise of emo bands. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, angry, and out of touch with good music. No, it's not. Emo music is a cancer to real music. It's on par with Disco. Disco was poppy music to make you dance, they had bell bottoms, and the hair was ridiculous. Emo is poppy music to make you shed a tear, they have really tight girl pants, and their hair cuts are ridiculous. I am really unsure what the appeal is. They put "emotion" into their lyrics, but they're mostly the same. The vocalists sound the same with their screeching whines and junior high school girl screams. I'm open-minded; I've listened to it all. There are a few bright spots to the farce of a genre in AFI and others, but for the most part we should return this genre of music back to the Discount New Wave store it came from.
EXCHANGE FOR: ANYTHING ELSE.
C'mon really. How about techno, country, or even better… silence. There is so much more unique music out there that these crooked hair cut kids out there are missing out on. The whole being a "scene kid" has gotten stale. Why not change your hair cut and style so you don't look like an army of cutters? Be unique. Listen to something outside of the "tear queer" (not my words) genre and expand yourself and your pant size. I understand the whole idea of wanting to show off your camel tongue, but you have to hit puberty before you go all David Lee Roth on us. I could be wrong, but I'm not.
EXCHANGE NUMBER THREE
RETURN: Amy Winehouse
I was one of those people when she first started hitting the states to proclaim her music as something people should listen to. I still appreciate her music, but hearing it now is a bit rough. Her fresh take on the Motown sound has been overshadowed by her apparent self destruction. It's gotten to the point where it's no longer morbidly entertaining and is now really scary. It's sad when people know someone more for their very public downward spiral rather than her music. If you check 411mania daily, then you're update on "The Amy Winehouse Self Destruction Tour"(patent pending). Hopefully "The Amy Winehouse Getting Her Shit Together Tour" is coming soon because she's a talent that's being thrown to the side in exchange for her antics.
EXCHANGE FOR: Courtney Love
When Love is on her trashy A-Game, she's the best car crash to watch. Yet, when you see her make an ass of herself, it's almost funny and cartoonish. The most recent public outbreak was at the Pam Anderson toast awhile ago. It was so bad, it was funny. Funny in a embarrassed you're giggling type of way. I'm by no means, belittling her problems or demons, but compared to Winehouse she's a lot safer with her nonsense. Courtney Love is becoming the female Keith Richards, minus the talent, charm, and penis (unconfirmed).
EXCHANGE NUMBER FOUR
RETURN: The Traditional Music Business Plan
For years, record labels and bands have all followed the same business plan. A band goes into a studio, records an album, puts out a single, sell the album for a suggested retail price, and a huge commercial marketing and media blitz follows. From there the band or artist goes on tour to support themselves. The labels make fat cash off the sales, while the bands get as little as pennies on the dollar. To be fair, it's been a fine business plan in the past and we've been blessed with great albums following this business model. Yet, things have changed...
EXCHANGE FOR: The Modern Music Business Plan
From Radiohead's "Pay what you want" album sales to Nine Inch Nail's ARG marketing, things have really changed all across the board. First, the modern music fan isn't dumb. They know they can log on to their computer and download an album for free. Illegal or not, why wouldn't they? The CD prices are so high and many cases the lead single is the only thing on the album that's worth a damn. Musicians know the prices are ridiculous and their fans will still support them even with a free download. They're not making much money on the CDs anyways, so getting their music out there to new potential fans and concert goers/merch buyers is where it's at for them. What Radiohead and a few others that followed did this past year was amazing. They put their music online and told the fans to pay whatever the wanted. This gives the fans the music sooner at a price they want to pay. Outside of the band sending you a physical copy of the album, it's a great deal all around. With the marketing/story expansion that Trent Reznor did with "Year Zero" it really shook things up when it comes to marketing a product. Viral marketing has been booming, but Reznor utilized this idea to not only sell his latest album, but to expand his art outside of more than a simple 5 by 5 container. This is the future. The sooner everyone exchanges their primitive mentality, the sooner the entire music community can embrace where we're headed.
EXCHANGE NUMBER FIVE
RETURN: Reality TV Musicians
We have American Idol, Rockstar, Nashville Star, The Next Great American Band, Making The Band, The White Rapper Show, Bodog, and all these reality shows. I did enjoy Rockstar, TWRS, and Bodog, but when it comes down to it I really don't agree with the process. These musicians are paying their dues on television as opposed to really earning your spot.
EXCHANGE FOR: Real Musicians
A small band from your town has shows in the region every week. They travel on their own expense, play a shitty venue, and have to hustle their merch just so they can afford to eat that night. They continue to bust their asses and finally tour. It's pretty much the same thing, but the band is exposing themselves to a new crowd. They keep pushing; keep clawing their way to the top. They finally get a small record deal and spend months working on an album. The album gets no marketing, a horrible tour, and no press. Their music is great, but we don't get to know about it because the label is focusing all their attention on marketing and funding a musician who already has a built in fan base because they skipped all of these crucial character building steps for a cheap way in. Success of not, I wonder who will look back on their experience and life in music with a stronger heart. Hmmmm.
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