BY KEITH EVANS
So, I’m minding my own business, doing a bit of web surfing right? I showed someone the Chris Brown video (see Friday’s Video Of The Moment), then I somehow come across an audio feed of the Angie Martinez show, which somehow prompts me to check out some new song by Nicki Minaj and Eminem. On the site where I illegally download said track, I see something very interesting.
Apparently, M.C. Hammer, you know, (the mega pop star from the 90’s turned preacher turned D level Reality celeb turned nobody) has some sort of beef with Jay-Z. So much so, that he ignores the high stakes probability of embarrassment and mockery by not only recording, what he calls, a “diss” track, but a video as well.
If you feel like you may be reading my previous statement incorrectly, please feel free to read again. I’ll give you a moment for soakage. . .
Ok, now that we’ve established what’s real and what’s not, let’s talk the good and bad points of this atrocity. Yes, you heard me correctly, I do have at least one good point about this. That point is as follows: If there was anyone on this Earth who may have been leery on the idea that Mr. Burrell may or may not possess testicles, this song/video/bad idea proves that at least he has those of the metaphoric capacity. Only someone in Hammer’s position would HAVE to have, at the very least, one ball to attempt such a feat of battling Jay-Z lyrically. Unfortunately, I feel Lance Armstrong might’ve had a better shot.
This whole debacle alledgedly popped off because of Hov's verse from Kanye West's appalled. A verse I personally found great, as usual, because I've never heard a "wack" Jigga verse. The following lines are what got Curt's hammer pants in a bunch;
“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused
I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30
Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”
. . .which, according to history's events and information provided to the world by common sense, is ALL true. Truth is something we all have to accept. I do understand that it takes some, longer than others. Hell, it takes me a while sometimes myself. Maybe Hammer didn't realize that he was no longer relevant. Maybe he forgot he was ever on a show called The Surreal Life. Maybe he has Alzhiemer's. Maybe he still hasn't fully comprehended the concept of financial management, therefore leading him to be completely unaware of what Jay-z is talking about. Whatever it is, shame on Emmanuel Lewis for not opening his eyes.
Now for the bad points. The actual song portion of the video starts off with some sort of Jay-Z imposter, looking all big lipped and Jay-Z like, Yankee cap in tow. This impersonator (who will now be referred to as Faux-Z) starts running through the woods, apparently being chased by someone in a devil’s costume they purchased from Party City. This is obviously a knock at the rumored notion that Jay-Z worships the devil. How cute. Meanwhile, Hammer, already dancing at this point, starts to open his mouth and rhyme words together, but I wouldn’t call it “rhyming”. He’s dressed in an updated version of his Funky Head Hunter attire. More dancing ensues as Faux-Z and the devil continue to run through the woods. Did I mention that the name of this “track” is Better Run Run, the use of two “runs” being necessary because there’s so much running, I assume. Hammer spits lines like “. . .that boy tried to steal my swag/his fingerprints all over the bag” and “You’re now rockin’ with the king of heart, tearing all imposters apart”, you know, lame shit like that.
The video ends on an extremely troubling note as the devil chases Faux-Z towards a waiting Hammer. Is Hammer the devil in cahoots? Of course they aren’t. The man who used to do tracks for Addams Family films, fancied expensive bacon, and only found the Lord Jesus Christ AFTER he went bankrupt would NEVER side with Satan. Instead, he lets Faux-Z (who’s now starting to look like he’s played by the rapper Scarface) run past him, then holds out one hand and stops Lucifer in his tracks. Thank you Jesu. . . er, I mean, Hammer. After all this, Hammer does what any has been rapper turned bootleg Christian would do after he saved an alledged devil worshipping emcee from Party City’s Prince of Darkness. He talks to him, then roughly baptizes him.
Wow. Honestly, after watching this video, I no longer feel ANY part of Kanye’s Runaway film is excessively unnecessary. Kanye West “can’t touch this”, pun intended. When it comes to ridiculous visuals and pathetic re-comebacks, M.C. Hammer takes the cake, eats it, shits it out into his hands, then eats it again. Enjoy. . .
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