BY KEITH EVANS
There are few things that I feel truly warrant a internet styled WTF. This “shoot” on C.M. Punk (I think his government name is Mel Brooks) by Jeff Hardy (whose given name is Syringe). To be honest, I’m not even sure how to approach this. Step by step I suppose.
Jeff Hardy, in what seems to be Mel’s Diner from the sitcom Alice, or maybe just a knock off Steak-N-Shake somewhere in middle America, is immediately shown, all goof eyed (which I’m not necessarily knocking because I’ve been there) wearing some chulo flannel that HAD to be a joint Christmas gift from Sean Waltman and Konnan. 12 seconds into the video, my favorite line is uttered; “I think Christian said it best. . .” . Anyone who watches wrestling or rocks the last name Copeland probably knows this phrase can only lead to complete chaos. He (Hardy) goes on to ramble about how he made C.M. Punk a superstar. Yes, Jeff Hardy literally birthed the fame of C.M. Punk from his dope sick womb. I literally had never even heard of Punk until he fought Jeff Hardy. In fact, from what I hear, obscurity was the only other wrestling promotion Punk had wrestled in prior to his rookie matches against Jeff Hardy. Please add sarcasm where required, which would be everywhere.
Apparently The Undertaker said hi to Hardy. Awesome. Apparently Punk did NOT say hi to Hardy. Un-awesome? I feel like as much animosity as there may be, there’s just this small inkling of hope for friendship. Sad really. No grown man should really care if another grown man says hi to him, unless he wants to be waved at by the other man’s penis. Just saying. Right after the TNA world champion decides to do some sort of Jeff Hardy/Matt Hardy/Stone Cold mash up hand sign, I notice that Matt Hardy is actually present and accounted for, eating the fuck out of something he apparently might as well fellate, the way he’s devouring it. Jeff goes on to talk about moving to Pluto like Limbaugh talked about moving to South America. I’m pretty sure Jeff will ALSO not fulfill his journey. Jeff continues to speak about how he MADE the Straight Edge superstar. Would it be safe to assume that all of Punk’s merch sales funded Hardy’s lawyer fees and court costs? Or maybe he used the money to buy that WWE Diva’s replica belt he carries around in TNA now.
THIS JUST IN!!!!!!! Ambien is a prescription drug motherfucker! Not sure if anybody knew that. For more information on if Xanax is a prescription drug and if Tylenol is a fruit or vegetable, please contact Jeff Hardy.
The award for best cameo in a shoot promo goes to Matt Hardy. He begins to soothe us with his newly acquired sultry voice. Maybe it’s not new. Maybe that’s how he always sounds when he’s jocking Lita (also known as Amy Dumah apparently). I like his visible pride when he talks about how much Lita still talks to him. Yes, we’re very impressed Matt. It’s really hard to get a whore to talk to her gay bff about how one of her many fuck buddies isn’t treating her right. I mean, this IS the girl that almost married Kane right? I know, I know, it’s just that storylines and real life are such a blur.
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