BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
“Worst Case Scenario” is a new take on the concept of “fantasy booking”. For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. “Worst Case Scenario” flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let’s take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I’m not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…
“The Hardys Return to WWE”
I was never a big fan of The Hardys. There was a period between like 99 and 01 when I appreciated their work, but soon after that I just got worn out by their shtick. When they first came on the scene they were cool and inspiring for everyone who wanted to do backyard wrestling. Between The Hardy Boys looking like feminine vampire ravers and doing tons of high spots and Mick Foley’s “childhood roof jump” being heralded it was easy to get behind it. This lead to thousands of kids going into the backyards and emulating it. The second you start to understand the psychology and workings of a wrestling match is the second you realize how bad and sloppy these guys are. They’ve had okay matches in their careers but their drug, social, and other antics overshadow anything they’ve done in the ring.
That said, I realize the value of The Hardy name. Jeff Hardy is a former World Champion and a main eventer while Matt Hardy has a good amount of titles himself. For some reason fans still like these guys and cheer for these two. It’s not nearly on the same level as it was or could have been if they’d not been fuck ups, but the WWE built their name up to have a nice niche value. They use it on the indies or in TNA now, but that could all change. Today I’m going to figure out the best-slash-worst way to reintroduce The Hardys to the WWE.
After defeating Team Co-Bro, Santino and Ryder, on Smackdown the team of Primo and Epico stand victorious. The lovely Rosa Mendes proclaims that Primo and Epico are former Tag Team Champions and will regain the belts again in the future because they are the only family in the WWE, not named McMahon, that matter. They hype up the family name and how Rosa is a lifelong fan of their family’s work. They use cliché stuff like “blood is thicker than water” and how there has been no other family to ever dominate tag team wrestling like they have.
From there Primo, Epico, and Rosa start doing well for themselves. They get a win on Superstars and even get to cut a twenty second promo on RAW during the first hour. They’re whole mission is to hype how they are the only family in the WWE and how they’re the best “family team” ever.
Eventually, like after eight weeks of this, Primo and Epico start dressing up and coming out the music of other wrestling families. They come out like Harlem Heat, The Steiners, and maybe even Undertaker and Kane just for good silly fun. They get a title match and hype up how they’re going to be “going to the Extreme”. They end up winning the Tag Titles while dressed up like the Hardys.
The next week Matt and Jeff casually get tickets to the show and sit in the front row. Primo and Epico come out as themselves with the belts and mock all of the families. They start mocking the Hardys and of course they jump the rail and a brawl ensues. The GM comes out and declares that by looking at the footage that the Hardys are the WWE Tag Team Champions.
So somehow, the Hardys get the Tag Team Titles without actually wrestling. Primo and Epico take on The Hardys in a match on Main Event.
Xtreme!!!
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