BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
“Worst Case Scenario” is a new take on the concept of “fantasy booking”. For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. “Worst Case Scenario” flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let’s take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I’m not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…
“XPW Buys Chikara!”
XPW was ECW’s sleazy bastard cousin. Extreme Championship Wrestling made their name by having great wrestlers, cutting edge storylines, contemporary characters, and just a product that you HAD to see. XPW was not this. They had some good wrestlers but the promotion was based in the porn industry. Porn stars were valets and characters, matches were excessively violent, gimmicks were eye-roll-worthy “controversial”, and tons of gaudy shit. I was a teenager when they were around and I should have been their demographic. I watched it because it was wrestling, but I can’t think many reasons anyone should ever look back at it. The stuff that was actually interesting and decent is so overshadowed that it just wasn’t all that redeemable. When it comes down to it, XPW was basically attempting to push the envelope at all costs, including entertaining, quality, and value.
What if XPW returned? A lot of the original XPW guys aren’t around anymore and the ECW talent they were using are either gone or embarrassing themselves on a semi-regular weekend warrior schedule. They’d need talent. They were never ones to really do “their own thing”, so they’d leech on something. What’s popular in the indies right now? Some would say ROH, PWG, or another “name indie”. The one that seems to have the biggest “cult following” is Chikara. In this scenario, we have to visualize Quackenbush, Youth, and the Chikara brass getting a dump truck load of dirty porn money to see their company over.
The cartoony nature of Chikara would still be there, but it would start to involve the raunchiest of things. XPW/Chikara would need a name. XPW would find more value in their own name than Chikara, of course, so that would be out of the question. So they’d call themselves something like “Pro Wrestling Hump” or “Xtreme Time Chikara” so they could be edgy and call themselves “XTC”.
Talent wise, all matches would have to be death match. Not normal Japanese or CZW death match, but LITERAL death matches. That’s where the cartoony/comic book nature of Chikara comes into play. They move on to a more adult “graphic novel” approach. The characters they’ve spent years building up are LITERALLY killed off in death matches. Not the performers, no murder or anything; despite the fact that the old XPW would probably encourage it. The characters just keep getting killed off in death matches and new characters debut all the time. It’ll just cycle through as everyone gets killed in death matches. To make this worse, when a wrestler “dies” in a “death match” their porn star valet will attempt to necessitate them via sex acts.
I know when I think of professional wrestling I think of gory death matches between two masked high-spot wrestlers that result in death and potentially necrophilia.
Oh, and the “Grand Championship” would be replaced with an aluminum plated dildo. Horrifying enough, this isn’t a championship you’d wear over your shoulder on your waist.
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