BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
“Worst Case Scenario” is a new take on the concept of “fantasy booking”. For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. “Worst Case Scenario” flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let’s take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I’m not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…
“The Hardcore Title Returns!”
At one point the WWE was edgy and weren’t going for the PG audience. One of the many aspects of the edgier content was the “Hardcore Title”. At this time “hardcore” was being brought in. Granted it was rare for the WWF to use Japanese style death matches, they still did some things with “weapons” and it was a lot of fun. There were thumbtacks, fire, chairs, tables, kendo sticks, trash cans, STOP signs, and tons of random nonsense. This gave the former ECW guys and the lower card people a title and some fun moments. I don’t think anyone would want to see a full show of this shit, but in small doses and with funny and/or creative spots it was a nice welcomed edition to a show full of variety.
Today we’re bringing the WWF Hardcore Title back… in the PG era! So obviously we can’t have ANY blood so using sharp and dangerous weapons wouldn’t work. So we can’t have thumb tacks, metal trash cans, or anything with sharp edges. If someone gets cut then the match is over and the fans get no result. So we’d have to be specific on what would be allowed. Tables wouldn’t be used in EVERY match because we can’t give the fans the whole she-bang every time out. WWE would institute padded chairs, beach balls, silly string, stuffed animals, and even pillow cases full of… pillows!
So now that we have the match style out of the way, let’s get into how it’d be re-introduced. Obviously when I think of hardcore in today’s WWE landscape I think about CM Punk. I mean he IS a “Heyman guy”, right? Heyman is like the creepy uncle of American hardcore. So CM Punk just shows up with the WWE Hardcore Title. It’s still the same status as before. It’s beneath EVERY other WWE singles title on the roster. But that’s okay, because it’s only defended on their Saturday morning kid show. CM Punk shows up on the kid show and can’t cut promos because as a good guy OR bad guy, CM Punk’s voice inflections are too edgy for children to hear on a Saturday morning.
CM Punk would then go on to have a long and “scratchy” feud with David Otunga, who would eventually go on to become the NEW Hardcore Icon. His whole shtick will be that since he’s a lawyer that he threatens to sue any opponent who uses a weapon against him for assault.
EXTREEEEEEEME PG!
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